Anything

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" At 23 years old I still get asked that question. It is usually rephrased a little, "what are you doing with your life?" Until recently I couldn't answer that question. I wouldn't admit to not being able to answer it. I made up a lot of things, and there were really some things that I did want to do but no for myself. I wanted to do them because I had great asperations for advancing the kingdom of God. Don't get me wrong I am and will continue to advance the kingdom, but those plans were not for me. I wanted to be a nurse so I could go and help people in other countries. While nursing is great for some I do not do well with needles or blood and wouldn't make the best nurse. 

In the last few years I realized what I have really wanted to so since I was a child. Open a coffee shop. Well when I was a child it is more or less a shop of any kind I sold anything and everything as a child. I just couldn't accept if as my calling because I wanted to be on the front lines advancing the kingdom. Now looking back I feel foolish, of course I can do both. If I am honoring God with my skill set and desires of course he is going to use me to advance his kingdom. No I won't be in another country preaching to an unreached people group. That doesn't mean that I can't use my profit to help support them. I also have a great opportunity to help support and grow domestic ministries.

By finally accepting where God wants me and my skill set means I am exactly where God wants me even if it isn't in the 5 fold ministry.  I am not saying that there aren't people who aren't called to be pastors and missionaries. I just am not one of them. I think a lot of us who go to Bible school in one form or another fall into the trap of thinking that if we aren't going into the 5 fold ministry we aren't doing what God wants us to do. I personally think that in our current age we can reach a lot more people by working along side them in whatever area of work you feel called to, rather than knocking on doors and inviting strangers to church events. People are so much more likely to accept Christ if they see him in your life not just see him in a packet you drop off at their door. 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4 ESV)

Dear Little Girl; Be Restored

Dear Little Girl with dirt on your faces and bruises on your arms

You are strong.

Don't let them tell you otherwise.

Don't let them steal your life

I know sometimes it's hard

Life is hard

This world is cruel

The nights grow longer

The dark gets colder

You're wondering if this will ever end

Hands grab you

Feet kick you

Words are hurled 

You're used

Broken

Abused

Worthless

Dirty

Incomplete

Disgusting

These things are flung in your face

They stick to you like glue

Identifying you

Labeling you

You start to wonder

Do they speak the truth?

Someone once told you they loved you

You don't remember who

Or when

What does love even feel like?

Does it really exist?

Love is just a term used to get ahead

To manipulate emotions

To bend people to your will

Love is a lie

Dear little girl  

I am here to speak truth

Won't you let me in?

Little girl put down your fists and look at me

Listen to me

I'm not here to hurt you

Love is not a lie

It does exist

I am sorry it's been so long since you've felt it

Sorry that I didn't come sooner to show it

I couldn't protect you

Couldn't shield you

Didn't even warn you

But, I'm here now

That has to count for something

You are bright

Beautiful

Valuable

Full of life

Radiant

Hands that hurt you

Abuse you

Used you

Don't let them define you

Wash off the mud

Wash off the grime

The words that were stuck to you, no longer define

They are not who you are

Nor who you will become

They were merely weapons

Meant to break

A pretty little girl that shines

You are stronger than that

Taller than that

Better than that

Smarter than that

I know it hurts

I know it's hard

It's time to walk away from the past

Follow a new path

Forgive and forget

Start again

New life

They only told you lies

They only hurt you

But I am here to help you heal

Speak truth

Bring you life

You are brave and Beautiful

My dear little one you are fierce

You have much to offer

An amazing story to share

A tale of recovery and redemption

Of hope renewed

Refreshed

You will change the world

Impact

Make a difference

Save a life

Arise from dust and ashes

Walk anew in wondrous life

You are loved 

Precious one

You my dear are light

So sing your song

Dance you dance

Say what you have to say

You are healed, restored, given strength for each new day

Change the world with your story, my love

Dear little girl, be brave

~Carrots

Here's The Goodbye Letter I Wrote To My Supporters (By The Way I Graduated The Internship, Yay Me!)

Dear Friends and Family,

  This is my last update letter for my time at Honor Academy of The Ozarks. I decided to take advantage of the free use of the printer as an intern one last time and mail out these letters. As of August 10, 2014 I will not longer be an intern. I will have completed two years at HAO, and I am not staying a 3rd. It has been a crazy and amazing journey these past couple of years. I have done things I didn’t think I would ever do like climb a mountain, fast for 3 days, and finished CA Roads (I don’t really have the room in this to explain that, but it’s super intense and crazy and I learned more from this singular event than I did the other LTE’s. If you want to know more you can e-mail me and ask questions.) I have gained an amazing family here at the internship and Living Word Church and I have learned and grown so much. 

      My first year I learned and grew a lot and developed myself in Christ. As a second year I became the girl’s Core Advisor, the mentor/accountability/direct leadership for the undergrad girls. As most of you know leadership is very challenging. However, I loved it and I love my core. I am blessed to have a good relationship with Jesse, she is seriously like my little sister. Anyway, so the big things I learned my second year were how to be a leader. I learned what it takes to be a leader, how to properly lead someone, and how even when I feel like my whole world is falling apart I have to set that all aside and help them with whatever they’re going through and that requires a ton of leaning on and trusting in God. I also learned how to really love with the unconditional love of Christ for the first time. I mean yes I have my little sister and my parents but I can honestly say that outside of them I have never loved someone unconditionally (now maybe no one has ever reached the end of my conditions, but still) until I  became CA.  However, this year I learned what it means to lay my life down for someone else and to love them with the love of Christ no matter what’s going on in my own life or even what they may be doing to me or to others. I learned how to really be there for someone when they need me. I also discovered that a lot of the time real leadership is sitting on someone’s bedroom floor at 2 am instead of sleeping, or washing someone else’s dishes even when you haven’t actually cooked a meal in days. Leadership is in the little things and I have been honored and blessed to become a leader this year. It has been incredible.

I have learned and experienced so much more than this but, I don’t have enough room or time to type it all out. I just want to say that I have grown and learned so much in my two years here. I have amazing mentors and friends. Last year I was an intern with Chelsea, Breana, Grace, Kate (woo-hoo best friend gained!), Blanca (my CA), and David. This year I have been an intern with Jesse, Eric, Anthony, and David (we’re both suckers and stayed two years, ha-ha). I can honestly say that these people, especially this year’s interns, have become my family and some of my closest friends. I have found friendships that I didn’t know I would find, especially in Kate, Jesse, Eric, and Anthony, and I am so grateful for that. I wanted to say thank you to all of you as well. You prayed for me, encouraged me, and even supported me financially. I literally would not have been able to come here or stay here at it not been for you. As of now I only have $727.15 left to pay on my internship (so I mean hey if you want to help by all means…) but in reality compared to where I was when I started this is nothing to pay…and it’s because of you guys. All of you have been an amazing encouragement and support system as I have participated in this program. I have gained direction, spiritual maturity, and vision during my time spent here and you played a part in that, so thank you all!

  I also want you to know what I’ll be doing now that I have graduated from the internship. First of all I will be staying in the Branson area. I will be moving into an apartment in Reeds Spring with one of my best friends, Brooke (I provided a lovely picture of the two of us just for you!) I have been offered, and I have accepted, a non-paid staff position (fancy way of saying volunteer) as the academic supervisor for Honor Academy of The Ozarks. I’ll be keeping track on intern classes and homework, grading papers, meeting one on one with interns about said papers, as well as tutoring interns. I will also continue to mentor Jesse and I will be given the opportunity to speak various intern events as well as teach a few classes. I will continue working my part time job as an administrative assistant at Christian Associates, hopefully that’ll become full time…who knows. On the weekends I have started working with Nightlight and I will be able to become much more involved with that organization. Nightlight is an anti-human trafficking group based in Branson/Springfield. They do strip club outreach, street ministry, as well as help with aftercare. Finally I will be working in the youth group at Living Word Church on a regular basis assisting Joe, HAO alumni/youth pastor/current male CA. I am excited and scared for the next step in life. I know that God is calling me to great things and I am ready for them. Once again thank you all for everything you’ve done for me the past two years! 

Kaitlin Hicks

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Sick is Scary, But I'm Not Alone

     For the past couple weeks I have been sick...like in and out the hospital sick. Sick as in they don't know what's wrong because the diagnoses went from the stomach flu to gallstones to possibly lymphoma to infected organs sick. To be honest, it's scary. Terrifying even. Being in constant pain and not know why. To sit lay there in the hospital higher than a kite while your "adopted" big sister holds your hand and strokes your face trying to keep you calm. While your mom is on the phone with her trying to figure out what's going on. Your best friend comes by the house and calls you and worries and her mom brings you movies and checks in just to make sure your still breathing. That kind of sick. 

     I'm used to hospitals and needles because I have food allergies and those can be intense. I'm not used to actually being sick or being in the hospital. I had my first IV. My first cat scan. My first ultra sound. I had a lot of first things. The pain killers made me so loopy is was ridiculous. The lab tech had to come tell me that Kristoff isn't real. That was embarrassing. It is scary though not knowing what's wrong with you. I mean at one point and time I was in so much pain I collapsed on my floor and just vomited everywhere...it was bad. I have follow up appointments this next week and I'm still in pain and I still have meds but I am getting better. Anyway, the point of this blog is that I am thankful.

     I have people that love me. People that aren't blood but that are my family. My parents live 5 hours away and couldn't get to me. I could have easily been dropped of at the hospital or home and left alone but I wasn't. At the hospital I always had someone by my side. They left their jobs and families to sit with me, so that I wouldn't be alone. When I was home I had someone dropping by or calling or messaging me constantly. I was never alone. I was, I am loved. I am surrounded by people that would drop everything for me. One of my biggest needs is family. One of my biggest fears is being alone. When I was sick I kept thinking I can't do this alone. I can't. I don't have to. My best friend was there. My "big sister" was there. My mentor. My best friend's mom. Those are all people that were physically there for me. My mom and my dad were constantly on the phone. My church family was constantly praying for me. People were checking in and asking about me. I was, I am loved. So, just remember. No matter what you think or what you're scared of. You are not alone. 

~ Carrots

SPEAK

     I really want to write but I don't know what to write about. I want to blog but I am blanking on important things. Like I started to write a blog about home....BLANK. Write a blog about courage and valor....BLANK. So I am writing because I can...about what? Nothing in particular. This is a blog post about nothing, and you know what? I am completely okay with that. Sometimes it's okay so just sit down and just write. Words are beautiful....words have power. Use your words...your power for good. Right now other people are planning a huge event that I'm involved in....I am not involved in the planning. I am just sitting here...I suppose someone will soon remember my existence. Soon someone will acknowledge that I have thoughts and ideas to apply...soon someone will take the time to listen to my voice. I have things to say. So do you. Jump in and do what you want. Make your presence known! If you want to write...WRITE! If you want to speak, SPEAK. Sing, Dance, Act...whatever you want. Someone needs you. They need your creativity, your ideas, your voice, your dreams, your energy, you...they need you. I need you! Don't just observe, jump in and go. I'm going to in T minuse 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1

~ Carrots

My Best Friend and I Went To Chicago: A Free Form Poem

My best friend and I went to Chicago

It was going to be the trip of the year

It was the trip of the year

We got in the car and drove for 9 hours

We got stopped in traffic

We ate at gas stations

We sang songs from frozen

My best friend and I drove to Chicago

My best friend and I arrived in Chicago

We were exhausted and hungry from the trip

Poor us we hadn't eaten 

In a couple hours

So we used our nice gift cards and ate at a restaurant

Then we laid our weary heads on fancy hotel pillows

But not before watching Supernatural on Netflix

My best friend and I arrived in Chicago 

My best friend and I woke up and ventured into Chicago

We went and visited a college we didn't want to go to

We talked to kids we had just met

We questioned why the school wasn't sending missionaries into the ghetto

Then we sat in on an apologetics class and ate free cafeteria food

We avoided the ghetto at all costs

Maybe not really asking those questions with sincere hearts

My best friend and I woke up and ventured into Chicago

My best friend and I walked through Chicago

We parked our car in a safe place and bought a ventra public transit card

I encountered my first homeless man

Face to face but I didn't have any cash

So I kept walking

I didn't even bother to pray

We went in and out of stores

Sang songs as we skipped down the streets

Went into a creepy art museum and complained about wasting eight dollars

All the while walking past another man who didn't have eight dollars to waste

We saw art and architecture

Faced my fear of heights by visiting the John Hancock tower

Briefly complained that we didn't have enough money 

To buy ridiculous outfits for kids we don't have

Passing by another man that didn't have enough money for lunch

My best friend and I walked through Chicago

My best friend and I went back to out hotel

We had, had an amazing day in the city

Just two best friends roaming around

Making amazing memories

Exploring new places

But we were tired and we needed sleep

Needed to rest up for our next big day in the city

I got a little car sick

Ate some crackers

Went to sleep

Felt Better

My best friend and I went back to our hotel

My best friend and I went back into Chicago

We went to Millennial Park and saw the bean

We went and watched a Polish Day parade

My best friend made a new friend

He was a drunk Polish kid

A strange man decided to talk to us

He made us nervous

So we got lost in the crowd of people

We saw protesters at the parade

I don't know what they were protesting

Maybe they just hated the polish

Then we got on a train and went to the Navy Pier

We passed another man

He wanted to let us know that Jesus was coming back

I already know this

I wonder if he knows that he's chasing people away

Not drawing them to God

Then I walked past another homeless man

I didn't help him

Did I chase him away?

My best friend and I went back into Chicago

My best friend and I made it to the Navy Pier

We rode a carousel because she loves me

I rode the Ferris wheel because I love her

We walked to the water

Took beautiful city skyline pictures

I never encountered anyone in need at the Pier

I left with a clear conscious 

I didn't question myself

Or feel guilt because I couldn't help anyone

I enjoyed the day

My best friend and I made it to the Navy Pier

My best friend and stayed a little too late in Chicago

We ended up on the wrong side of town

Taking the subway with a drug dealer, inappropriate college kids, and people who could care less

I passed several homeless men and I could do nothing

As we came out of the subway I learned what fear can feel like

A group of men yelled at us

Tried to block us

And almost followed us

They got distracted and we were free

I hope the girl that distracted them is okay

I asked a cop making a dirty deal how to find the bus stop

I think he contemplated shooting me before he gave me directions

We finally found the bus stop and stood with the only other white girl

I wondered if I was racist

I didn't think racism was still a thing in my world

But she felt safe

I could feel guilty about that later

I saw a girl working

She was walking the streets and something rose up inside of me

My heart broke

I went to talk to her

To give her a number she could call so she could get help

I saw her pimp across the street

I knew if I tried to help her or talk to her he would punish her

I would only make things worse

So I let her go

We finally got on the bus and I didn't let anyone see me stifle me tears for her

We made it back the car safe and sound

My best friend and I stayed a little too late in Chicago

My best friend I made it home

I slept for seven hours of the nine hour drive

We left the city behind us 

Made a lot of memories

Did I a lot of cool things

Have a lot of fun stories to tell

Pictures to share

We plan on making it an annual trip

We only talk about the good things

We try to forget the faces of those we couldn't help

Next year the trip will have a purpose

It will be our get away

Our bonding time trip to leave home and responsibility behind

But, we'll pack some spare change

So that maybe we can buy that man a ride to the shelter

Chicago was an adventure

It changed me

Now I'm back to the daily grind

We'll have to go back though

To get the piece of me I left behind

Oh

My best friend and I made it home

~ Carrots