Dear Little Girl; Be Restored

Dear Little Girl with dirt on your faces and bruises on your arms

You are strong.

Don't let them tell you otherwise.

Don't let them steal your life

I know sometimes it's hard

Life is hard

This world is cruel

The nights grow longer

The dark gets colder

You're wondering if this will ever end

Hands grab you

Feet kick you

Words are hurled 

You're used

Broken

Abused

Worthless

Dirty

Incomplete

Disgusting

These things are flung in your face

They stick to you like glue

Identifying you

Labeling you

You start to wonder

Do they speak the truth?

Someone once told you they loved you

You don't remember who

Or when

What does love even feel like?

Does it really exist?

Love is just a term used to get ahead

To manipulate emotions

To bend people to your will

Love is a lie

Dear little girl  

I am here to speak truth

Won't you let me in?

Little girl put down your fists and look at me

Listen to me

I'm not here to hurt you

Love is not a lie

It does exist

I am sorry it's been so long since you've felt it

Sorry that I didn't come sooner to show it

I couldn't protect you

Couldn't shield you

Didn't even warn you

But, I'm here now

That has to count for something

You are bright

Beautiful

Valuable

Full of life

Radiant

Hands that hurt you

Abuse you

Used you

Don't let them define you

Wash off the mud

Wash off the grime

The words that were stuck to you, no longer define

They are not who you are

Nor who you will become

They were merely weapons

Meant to break

A pretty little girl that shines

You are stronger than that

Taller than that

Better than that

Smarter than that

I know it hurts

I know it's hard

It's time to walk away from the past

Follow a new path

Forgive and forget

Start again

New life

They only told you lies

They only hurt you

But I am here to help you heal

Speak truth

Bring you life

You are brave and Beautiful

My dear little one you are fierce

You have much to offer

An amazing story to share

A tale of recovery and redemption

Of hope renewed

Refreshed

You will change the world

Impact

Make a difference

Save a life

Arise from dust and ashes

Walk anew in wondrous life

You are loved 

Precious one

You my dear are light

So sing your song

Dance you dance

Say what you have to say

You are healed, restored, given strength for each new day

Change the world with your story, my love

Dear little girl, be brave

~Carrots

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

This Post Has No Real Point, But It Sure Feels Poetic

     Today is beautiful...it is so beautiful outside. I keep finding excuses to go outside...because man it's beautiful. The breeze, the sun, the smells, the colors; all of it. So Perfect. I feel like I'm living in a dream. Like everything is right in the world. Like everything is okay. There's this complete Utopia feeling that comes with spring. Innocence...the air feels like innocence. Like I'm a girl again. Running through the grass, bare feet on the soft grass. I feel like I should be running with my cousins through the woods playing games of our own inventing. Pretending that my built in best friend, friends since birth, is still right there next to me. That we haven't grown up, haven't gone our separate ways, that he doesn't have someone in his life more important than me, that I don't have someone I'm closer to now than him. That he's still my number one and I'm still his. It's funny how growing up does that. It takes the closest of friends and drags you apart until you wake up one day and realize that, that's not the first person you go to anymore. That's not the person you whisper your secrets to anymore. That you aren't young a barefoot anymore playing in fields. We are adults...or something like that. We have responsibilities. We have rules. There's no more room for pretending and holding hands in the dark doesn't make the danger go away. Now there are real dangers...no the monsters are real. Childhood is gone...gone so quickly. This post has no point other than to say it's beautiful outside. The beauty reminds me of childhood. It makes me miss it. Makes me miss my best friend. We were best friends for 18 years and then...then we grew up. Life does that. So by the way...it's beautiful outside. Go and make the most of this day. Make the most of the time you have to pretend you're a kid again. Reminiscence about childhood. Don't let go.

  

~ Carrots