It has been ages since I have last written anything. Not because I haven't thought of anything good. More or less because I have not had time. If you look at my rough drafts I have written quite a few just none good enough to get published. Then as I was sitting here supposedly folding laundry I decided to take a break and tell you a bit about what I have been going through in the last few month.
These last few months have been a whirlwind of chaos and emotion. After a series of unfortunate events I lost one of my best friends. We were just to the point we cared about different things and couldn't have made it work. He was really one of the few people in my life who knew everything. I went from that heart break to having a couple of the really close family members move away. After that heart break I found it hard to write about the good things when I wasn't feeling it. In that moment of feeling down I decided what I needed was a relationship. When really the last thing I needed at that moment was a relationship. I needed God. When feeling alone and looking for a relationship I went to the place everyone who feels alone goes to look for a relationship. Online. That in itself should have been a warning flag to me. But it wasn't I talked to some really nice guys and some really sketchy ones. I ended up settling on one guy I felt I could talk to and may even have a possibility of a relationship with. He seemed nice, was a bit older and had a pretty good job. Sadly though he did not love Jesus (that should have been another red flag). But I went along with it because I felt alone. We kept seeing each other and kept moving forward in our relationship. He said we would move as slowly as I wanted and that seemed awesome to me. But even though he kept saying we would move as slowly as I wanted, he would keep pressuring me to do more. Soon I had laid all my morals aside and we started getting pretty physical. No we didn't sleep together but we did do quite a bit of other things.
Still sadly I felt alone if not a bit more so. At that point I had drawn away from my Christian friends and those around me that I generally go to because I felt like I was living in such a way that they would not have approve of who I had become. In that place I found God. I was in Missouri visiting my family and friends. Away from the loneliness in my head and in front of King of Kings. In that moment I realized that I am truly not alone no matter how it feels God is there. In the calm after your world has crashed God is there. God is there when you feel worthless or alone. God is there when you don't think you can go on any longer. He is in it all. It was an awe inspiring moment. Had you been there you probably would not have even noticed but it meant the world to me.
Then of course after the moment of awe inspiring filling of God there is always a moment of clarity on your life. Or at least that generally seems how it is in my world. In that moment I realized how much I had bent and broken for a guy I barley knew. I guy I didn't even have strong feelings for, and that is when the shame set in. But again God was there in that moment bringing to my realization his awesome love and grace. Yes there were things I had done in that dark place that I shouldn't have but that doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am nothing more than a human but God still loves me for that. And in that moment all that mattered to me was the love of God and how Great he is. That totally pulled me back to my calling which is another story for another day.
In the last weeks and a bit since that happened I have down a lot of changing in my life to recenter it around God. I broke up with lame boy and have used that time to start reading and studying my Bible again. I have also made an effort to continue Christian relationships in my life. I know there is a long way to go before I complete my calling in life and while I am working toward that calling I am going to stumble and of course I am going to have days where I feel completely alone. But those are the moments I need to follow Jesus to the cross and go to him.
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah may rest (yes, my pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!! -2 Corinthians 12:9
Crowhead
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