Blog Challenge Day One!!

    I have decided to do the 30 Day Blog Challenge!!! However, here is my disclaimer, it will not be for 30 straight days because I don't have internet every day. Bummer...so I basically just have all of the things necessary for the 30 day blog challenge and I'm going to do them in order to a) write more frequently and b) so we can all get to know each other a little better. So here we go.

DAY ONE: Five Ways To Win Your Heart

Five ways to win my heart...man here goes.

1) Read books, read books I recommend to you and then discuss them with me! Recommend books to me. Just books!

2) Let me ramble. I have many interests and obsessions. I like so many books, bands, shows, movies, and people. I never just "like" something, I obsess. I'm going to analyze fictional characters, and tell you about the same singer everyday for a month. Just listen. Let me talk. Let me go on and on about Anne of Green Gables, and Casey Breves, the difference between Spiderman movies and Spiderman comics, Captain America, and Dance Academy. Eventually I will stop and it'll be your turn. I know you probably don't care but the fact that you listen makes me feel good.

3) Remember what I'm passionate about and ask me how it's going. This is the serious stuff. Like my passion to fight sex trafficking. Ask me about it. Remember it.

4) Chocolate and Gummy bears. Seriously, it's that easy.

5) Initiate conversation but don't force it. As all of my friends can attest to I am very introverted. I love my friends and I like hanging out with people but I also really really like time to myself. I even really like being with people, without being with people. I like it when I can hang out with someone and talk and laugh....and I also really like it when I can sit in the same room as someone and daydream or read or whatever without being interrupted.

     So there we have it. Day one of the blog challenge done and now you know 5 ways to win my heart should you desire to do so. I'm out!!

~ Carrots

Life Is An Earthquake

     Sometimes in life we feel empty. Things get messy and confusing. Life hurts; mostly it hurts because it changes. Things shift and you have no control over it. It's in the little things like who sits next to who at Christmas dinners. You notice it when suddenly conversations become about what's in theaters instead of your dreams and naming stars. Growing up is one big tectonic plate shifting and shaking your world and just when you think things are going back to normal, you think things are slowing down, everything comes to a screeching halt. What no one tells you about sudden stops is that there's still momentum that crashes everything that's left into the ground. It hurts and it's painful.

     You pick yourself up off of the ground and brush the dust off. Scrambling around trying to gather everything you hold dear. It looks different for everyone; gluing the pieces together that is. Sometimes it's sharing with someone you don't even know. It's sacrifice and giving of yourself. It's letting old dreams die and trying desperately to find a new one. It's fighting with everything you have. It's climbing until you fall down exhausted and then forcing yourself to go one step more. 

     More often than we'd like to admit there is no putting it back together. It's changed and it will never be the same again. We get angry and lash out. We feel abandoned. We become depressed. We curl up inside of ourselves and mourn all that we've lost. We scream, kick, cry, and hit. We try to make sense of everything. We close our tear filled eyes and pray that when we wake up we realize that it will all just be a bad dream. It's not. This is life. It changes us and knocks us flat and it sucks. It hurts and sometimes it leaves us feeling empty and defeated and confused. We want to give up. Stop trying. Just lay down and never give up. That's just how it is.

     I get it, I understand. Here's what I have to say it sucks. It will and you don't have to pretend like everything is okay. Kick, scream, and cry if that's what you need to do. It's okay to be upset. What's not okay is to give up on yourself. Never...ever give up on yourself. You can keep going. You can and you will.

Happy New Year

     I just wanted to take some time to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you have a great one. As I look back on this year I am in awe. There were times this year when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I thought I couldn't handle the pressure and I thought I was just going to give up. There were also moments of insurmountable joy and incredible memories to look back upon.
     This year was hard I lost friends and other people I cared about. I started a new job and ventured into new and scary things. I battled things I never thought I would have to face in ministry, work, friendships, and my own personal life. My appendix ruptured and I was in the hospital for a long amount of time because everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I had heart breaks and sad days. There were times when I sat in room and cried in despair and there were times when I screamed and through things against the wall. It was by no means an easy year. It was draining, stressful, confusing, and emotional.
     It wasn't all bad either. In fact in some ways it was amazing. I was accepted for an internship in Thailand starting next summer. I had amazing adventures with my friends and family. I made incredible friendships and memories. My "baby brother" was born and my family gained two new children through foster care. I went to PBR and explored Devil's Den. By God's provision 95% of my hospital bill from my surgery was covered by financial assistance. Christ revealed his love and grace to me over and over even though I failed him time and time again. I spent time with those I loved doing what I loved. I read new books and wrote new stories and began brand new chapters in my life.
     No this year has not been easy but it has been rewarding. I just want to say Happy New Year and give you some hope. This year had moments that I thought I couldn't survive but I did. No matter what has happened or what will happen you can survive. You will survive. Yes life hurts sometimes but it is also a joy sometimes.
     If I spend so much time in distress over my hospital bill that I miss the joy in having a baby brother to love then I'm really not living am I? So, no matter what happens or comes your way take time to enjoy the mountain highs even while you're stuck in the valley. Happy New Year!!

Life Sucks, Walk In Faith

     I don't know about anyone else but for me personally life hasn't been the easiest or happiest walk in the park lately. As most of us know life, to put it rather bluntly, sucks sometimes. That's a fact. Sometimes life sucks. People hurt us, circumstances can get difficult, and life can be overwhelming and sometimes we feel stuck. We wonder why things aren't getting better, why nothing is changing, why, why, why. Sometimes one season or phase of life ends and it ends painfully and, sometimes rather reluctantly, are are forced or called to move onto something new. We have to let go of things and people and move forward in life. Letting go of things and having to move on can be difficult, confusing, and painful. When we lose something we mourn and grieve and we feel as a loss.We can feel stuck and totally unsure of what the next move is only knowing that we had better make a move soon or else. It can be hard to take that first step and move on, especially when we have no clue where we're going. However, the time of mourning for the things or people we've had cut out of our lives must come to and end. Eventually we have to get over it and move on. Then we have to exercise faith even it feels like that's the last thing we want to do. We don't know what to do next...well make a move. Sometimes we have to exercise faith before God makes a move. We have to take the first step into the deep waters of life that God is asking us to cross and as we take that step a path will become clear. God responds to people to move in faith even when it seems like God isn't around them. When we're overwhelmed and confused and scared we have to know that Christ is with us and we have to move in faith even if we can't see three feet in front of us. One time I was talking to a mentor of mine about being afraid and confused about what the next step in life was. I wanted so badly to know 100% everything that was going to happen and to have complete peace an no doubt about anything. He simply said to me when you walk in faith and do what God has asked you will always have the peace of God. However, sometimes the peace doesn't come until you're right in the thick of it. So, if you're feeling discouraged, confused, scared, or unsure about something in your life move in faith and know that God will come through.

~ Carrots

20 Minutes With Thurman

    A couple weeks ago I had the honor of meeting a man named Thurman, he and his wife came into the store where I work and while his wife shopped Thurman sat on a bench in an entry way. They walked in and his wife asked if there was a place that he could sit and then she went on to explain that he has alzheimers and he wouldn't be able to go up and down the stairs, and that it would be easier on him if he could sit somewhere and wait. We agreed and before she went downstairs she told us her name and his and to come get her if he got too anxious.
     He was fine for a while and then he started getting anxious and got up and went to look for his wife and my co-worker talked to him and got him to calm down and sit and he was fine. A few minutes same thing. After the third time he was getting very anxious so my co-worker went to tell his wife and I just decided to go sit with him. I've never been around someone going through that so I honestly didn't know if my presence would help or if it would make him more nervous. I grabbed a couple Missouri Conservationist off of our magazine rack and sat down next to him. He was really excited that I knew his name, and he introduced himself to me and I to him and then we looked through one of the magazines together. He told me about how much he loves fishing and how he's always wanted to go quail hunting.
     A few minutes into our conversation he literally blinked once, looked at me and went, "Hi, I'm Thurman...do I know you? Have we met?" I told him we had just met and we were new friends and told him my name, he relaxed and started looking at the magazine and he told me the same stories. This time he told me he was born in 1925, and he wasn't sure how old that made him but he was pretty sure he was 35. A few minutes went passed and soon we had to do introductions again. At this point I started to tear up because I couldn't even begin to imagine what this was like for him or his family. How awful this must be for everyone who loved him. It broke my heart to have to imagine having to go through this. Gently, Thurman reached over and took my hand.
      "Don't cry, I don't like seeing people cry, there's no sense in it. There's so much badness in the world but you can't let it steal your joy. I would never do anything to make anyone feel bad. I believe in working hard, believing in each other, love, and kindness. We must always be kind to those around us, always care for everyone. We can't hurt each other, we need each other too much."
      About that moment his wife walked by and waved at us on her way to the register. Thurman lit up, "Do you see her? She's mine...isn't she beautiful?" I nodded and told her of course she is. His eyes softened and he held my hand tighter, "she's the kindest woman I've ever known. I just couldn't stand being with a woman who was unkind or cantankerous, nope couldn't handle that. But her, she's so kind and gentle. She'd do anything for anybody, give you the clothes off her back, she's just like that. She's an incredible woman that one is."
     After that we just sat silent, hand in hand, waiting for his wife to come through the check out. She did and when she came out she thanked me for sitting with her husband, but really I was the one who should have been thanking her. As he got up to go he turned around to shake my hand, "It was nice meeting you young lady, maybe I'll see you again real soon." If I ever do see Thurman again he won't remember me, he won't know he ever sat with me on a bench inside of a store. I however, will never forget Thurman. Even in the midst of all he was going through he didn't forget the important things. He didn't forget who he was, and he didn't forget to pass on his wisdom. Thurman is right we have to believe in hard work, each other, love, and kindness because there is so much darkness in the world. We have to remember that we need each other and not to let the world steal our joy.

~ Carrots 

being productive while procrastinating

It has been ages since I have last written anything. Not because I haven't thought of anything good. More or less because I have not had time. If you look at my rough drafts I have written quite a few just none good enough to get published. Then as I was sitting here supposedly folding laundry I decided to take a break and tell you a bit about what I have been going through in the last few month.

These last few months have been a whirlwind of chaos and emotion. After a series of unfortunate events I lost one of my best friends. We were just to the point we cared about different things and couldn't have made it work. He was really one of the few people in my life who knew everything. I went from that heart break to having a couple of the really close family members move away. After that heart break I found it hard to write about the good things when I wasn't feeling it.  In that moment of feeling down I decided what I needed was a relationship. When really the last thing I needed at that moment was a relationship. I needed God. When feeling alone and looking for a relationship I went to the place everyone who feels alone goes to look for a relationship. Online. That in itself should have been a warning flag to me. But it wasn't I talked to some really nice guys and some really sketchy ones. I ended up settling on one guy I felt I could talk to and may even have a possibility of a relationship with. He seemed nice, was a bit older and had a pretty good job. Sadly though he did not love Jesus (that should have been another red flag). But I went along with it because I felt alone. We kept seeing each other and kept moving forward in our relationship. He said we would move as slowly as I wanted and that seemed awesome to me. But even though he kept saying we would move as slowly as I wanted, he would keep pressuring me to do more. Soon I had laid all my morals aside and we started getting pretty physical. No we didn't sleep together but we did do quite a bit of other things.

Still sadly I felt alone if not a bit more so. At that point I had drawn away from my Christian friends and those around me that I generally go to because I felt like I was living in such a way that they would not have approve of who I had become. In that place I found God. I was in Missouri visiting my family and friends. Away from the loneliness in my head and in front of King of Kings. In that moment I realized that I am truly not alone no matter how it feels God is there. In the calm after your world has crashed God is there. God is there when you feel worthless or alone. God is there when you don't think you can go on any longer. He is in it all. It was an awe inspiring moment. Had you been there you probably would not have even noticed but it meant the world to me.

Then of course after the moment of awe inspiring filling of God there is always a moment of clarity on your life. Or at least that generally seems how it is in my world. In that moment I realized how much I had bent and broken for a guy I barley knew. I guy I didn't even have strong feelings for, and that is when the shame set in. But again God was there in that moment bringing to my realization his awesome love and grace. Yes there were things I had done in that dark place that I shouldn't have but that doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am nothing more than a  human but God still loves me for that. And in that moment all that mattered to me was the love of God and how Great he is. That totally pulled me back to my calling which is another story for another day.

In the last weeks and a bit since that happened I have down a lot of changing in my life to recenter it around God. I broke up with lame boy and have used that time to start reading and studying my Bible again. I have also made an effort to continue Christian relationships in my life. I know there is a long way to go before I complete my calling in life and while I am working toward that calling I am going to stumble and of course I am going to have days where I feel completely alone. But those are the moments I need to follow Jesus to the cross and go to him.

But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah may rest (yes, my pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!! -2 Corinthians 12:9

Crowhead