Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Sick is Scary, But I'm Not Alone

     For the past couple weeks I have been sick...like in and out the hospital sick. Sick as in they don't know what's wrong because the diagnoses went from the stomach flu to gallstones to possibly lymphoma to infected organs sick. To be honest, it's scary. Terrifying even. Being in constant pain and not know why. To sit lay there in the hospital higher than a kite while your "adopted" big sister holds your hand and strokes your face trying to keep you calm. While your mom is on the phone with her trying to figure out what's going on. Your best friend comes by the house and calls you and worries and her mom brings you movies and checks in just to make sure your still breathing. That kind of sick. 

     I'm used to hospitals and needles because I have food allergies and those can be intense. I'm not used to actually being sick or being in the hospital. I had my first IV. My first cat scan. My first ultra sound. I had a lot of first things. The pain killers made me so loopy is was ridiculous. The lab tech had to come tell me that Kristoff isn't real. That was embarrassing. It is scary though not knowing what's wrong with you. I mean at one point and time I was in so much pain I collapsed on my floor and just vomited everywhere...it was bad. I have follow up appointments this next week and I'm still in pain and I still have meds but I am getting better. Anyway, the point of this blog is that I am thankful.

     I have people that love me. People that aren't blood but that are my family. My parents live 5 hours away and couldn't get to me. I could have easily been dropped of at the hospital or home and left alone but I wasn't. At the hospital I always had someone by my side. They left their jobs and families to sit with me, so that I wouldn't be alone. When I was home I had someone dropping by or calling or messaging me constantly. I was never alone. I was, I am loved. I am surrounded by people that would drop everything for me. One of my biggest needs is family. One of my biggest fears is being alone. When I was sick I kept thinking I can't do this alone. I can't. I don't have to. My best friend was there. My "big sister" was there. My mentor. My best friend's mom. Those are all people that were physically there for me. My mom and my dad were constantly on the phone. My church family was constantly praying for me. People were checking in and asking about me. I was, I am loved. So, just remember. No matter what you think or what you're scared of. You are not alone. 

~ Carrots

SPEAK

     I really want to write but I don't know what to write about. I want to blog but I am blanking on important things. Like I started to write a blog about home....BLANK. Write a blog about courage and valor....BLANK. So I am writing because I can...about what? Nothing in particular. This is a blog post about nothing, and you know what? I am completely okay with that. Sometimes it's okay so just sit down and just write. Words are beautiful....words have power. Use your words...your power for good. Right now other people are planning a huge event that I'm involved in....I am not involved in the planning. I am just sitting here...I suppose someone will soon remember my existence. Soon someone will acknowledge that I have thoughts and ideas to apply...soon someone will take the time to listen to my voice. I have things to say. So do you. Jump in and do what you want. Make your presence known! If you want to write...WRITE! If you want to speak, SPEAK. Sing, Dance, Act...whatever you want. Someone needs you. They need your creativity, your ideas, your voice, your dreams, your energy, you...they need you. I need you! Don't just observe, jump in and go. I'm going to in T minuse 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1

~ Carrots