20 Minutes With Thurman

    A couple weeks ago I had the honor of meeting a man named Thurman, he and his wife came into the store where I work and while his wife shopped Thurman sat on a bench in an entry way. They walked in and his wife asked if there was a place that he could sit and then she went on to explain that he has alzheimers and he wouldn't be able to go up and down the stairs, and that it would be easier on him if he could sit somewhere and wait. We agreed and before she went downstairs she told us her name and his and to come get her if he got too anxious.
     He was fine for a while and then he started getting anxious and got up and went to look for his wife and my co-worker talked to him and got him to calm down and sit and he was fine. A few minutes same thing. After the third time he was getting very anxious so my co-worker went to tell his wife and I just decided to go sit with him. I've never been around someone going through that so I honestly didn't know if my presence would help or if it would make him more nervous. I grabbed a couple Missouri Conservationist off of our magazine rack and sat down next to him. He was really excited that I knew his name, and he introduced himself to me and I to him and then we looked through one of the magazines together. He told me about how much he loves fishing and how he's always wanted to go quail hunting.
     A few minutes into our conversation he literally blinked once, looked at me and went, "Hi, I'm Thurman...do I know you? Have we met?" I told him we had just met and we were new friends and told him my name, he relaxed and started looking at the magazine and he told me the same stories. This time he told me he was born in 1925, and he wasn't sure how old that made him but he was pretty sure he was 35. A few minutes went passed and soon we had to do introductions again. At this point I started to tear up because I couldn't even begin to imagine what this was like for him or his family. How awful this must be for everyone who loved him. It broke my heart to have to imagine having to go through this. Gently, Thurman reached over and took my hand.
      "Don't cry, I don't like seeing people cry, there's no sense in it. There's so much badness in the world but you can't let it steal your joy. I would never do anything to make anyone feel bad. I believe in working hard, believing in each other, love, and kindness. We must always be kind to those around us, always care for everyone. We can't hurt each other, we need each other too much."
      About that moment his wife walked by and waved at us on her way to the register. Thurman lit up, "Do you see her? She's mine...isn't she beautiful?" I nodded and told her of course she is. His eyes softened and he held my hand tighter, "she's the kindest woman I've ever known. I just couldn't stand being with a woman who was unkind or cantankerous, nope couldn't handle that. But her, she's so kind and gentle. She'd do anything for anybody, give you the clothes off her back, she's just like that. She's an incredible woman that one is."
     After that we just sat silent, hand in hand, waiting for his wife to come through the check out. She did and when she came out she thanked me for sitting with her husband, but really I was the one who should have been thanking her. As he got up to go he turned around to shake my hand, "It was nice meeting you young lady, maybe I'll see you again real soon." If I ever do see Thurman again he won't remember me, he won't know he ever sat with me on a bench inside of a store. I however, will never forget Thurman. Even in the midst of all he was going through he didn't forget the important things. He didn't forget who he was, and he didn't forget to pass on his wisdom. Thurman is right we have to believe in hard work, each other, love, and kindness because there is so much darkness in the world. We have to remember that we need each other and not to let the world steal our joy.

~ Carrots 

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Why I Want To Be Anne Shirley

     "If you could be any fictional character who would you be and why?" Just one of the many questions written down on the many index cards in a pile on my living room floor. My housemates and I have spent many hours playing The Question Game because we're nerds that love ice breakers and love talking about ourselves. This is the question I have been waiting for. Anything about books or fictional character I've got in the bag. So why am I suddenly staring at this question like a deer in the headlights? This should be easy say a name and give a reason. But I think...no this is important. This is me telling everyone who I wish I was. Who I want to be. Who I dream about becoming. This defines me. I think of every girl, teenager, and even woman that I have heard answer this question with things like, "I want to be Bella Swan." All I can think when people say that is why? Why would you want to be Bella Swan? Or girls that want to be Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White. What makes you want to be them? Is it because of the guys they get? Their beauty? The "happily ever after"? What is it that makes being them so appealing? Don't get me wrong I love Disney Princess movies...my personal favorites are Tangled and Mulan but come on. Snow White ran away and lived with men she didn't know and then fell into a trap rendering her helpless until a man she didn't know kissed her. Exact same scenario with Sleeping Beauty minus the men, instead she lives with magical grandmothers. Cinderella, I love watching Cinderella....Cinderella 3 is actually pretty speculator. But, I have never wanted to be her. She marries a guy that didn't even recognize her until she had on a certain article of clothing. So I thought who would I want to be a why? Hermione Granger would be a good choice...but no that's a little too far fetched, plus I mean I've been a fan of Harry Potter for exactly 3 months. Mulan? I mean come on she saved an entire country, but I would really rather not be a Disney Princess. I want it to be someone I've read about, watched, and admired since childhood. Someone realistic. Someone real...as real as a fictional character can be. Someone who when I have daughters of my own I'll feel comfortable handing them her books and movies and saying here...when you play make believe, believe you are her. I pray my daughters never wish to become Bella Swan. So I thought, and as you can probably guess, I would be Anne Shirley.

     Anne Shirley is as real as any fictional character can be. She has flaws, oh does she have flaws. She has family problems (she doesn't have a family until Matthew and Marilla). She deals with insecurities about her appearance. All she wants is to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and taken care of. She's a dreamer. She's misunderstood...she is essentially a real emotional girl. She finds a family and they love her for her and through their love she comes to understand her value and worth. She is physically a beautiful woman and after she struggles with her red hair she learns to accept it as part of what makes her beautiful. Plus I love gingers and kind of want to be a ginger to the red hair for me would be bonus points of being Anne Shirley. She is so incredibly smart. She is smart and she doesn't hide it or play dumb. She excels at school, does her very best, gets an education, and uses that education to better herself and help other people. She is bold. Anne Shirley is never timid about what she believes or wants...and yes she should learn some tact but at least she doesn't let people walk all over her. She is strong so strong! She overcomes, adjusts, heals, and is restored always coming to the other side of a trail as victorious and not a victim! If we're going to venture away from the books and strictly into the movies she traveled the freaking globe in order to find and save her husband. Woman kicked some butt! Look at the books, she is still just as amazing and strong even without plowing through war torn lands.
     She doesn't need a man. Granted she end up with the perfect  man aka Gilbert Blythe and everything in me ached for her to end up with him sooner than she did, she still didn't spend every waking minute of her life fawning over him, (like I do, ha-ha.) Do I wish she would have spent a little more time fawning over him and less time holding a grudge over being called Carrots? Yes, yes I do. Besides, we all know Gil is another reason why I would want to be Anne. But, between breaking his heart, him breaking her heart, them becoming friends, dating other people, being single, becoming best friends, falling in love, and accept the falling in love she lived her life. She did not determine her life based upon Gil and what he was doing. Even when she was hurting over him she lived. She went to school got a job, and touched the lives of those around her. She took care of Marilla, and even bettered herself for marriage. Then yes she does marry a man and falls helplessly in love and that is NOT a bad thing it's an amazing thing...but she did it at the right time and she never needed him to determine her worth. She was confident in who she was as an individual and that's what we need before we need a man.

     She also had a great best friend. They were so different but they loved and cared about each other. Every girl needs a bosom friend that will be there no matter what and she had that! They weren't catty or gossipy or got jealous. They were friends. They recognized strength and weaknesses and instead of shaming or bragging the helped, encouraged, and strengthened. That's how friendship is supposed to work! Sure they had their problems  but they got through it. They did things too! More than just sit around and talk about boys. They went on adventures, they read books, and wrote...oh my goodness Anne and Dianna are the epitome of the friendship that I want to have and want my daughters to have too. They valued each other and didn't throw one another under the bus.

     Things I want to do that Anne does or that I admire. Reasons I want to be here (basically a repeat with different words.) She is book smart and street smart, she is bold, she's a published author (my dream!), she's beautiful, she's strong, she's passionate, she's independent, she knows how to have a great friendship, she's an amazing mother, she gets Gilbert Blythe I mean hello, she takes care of her family, she has her head on straight, she's a ginger, her vocabulary is extensive and impressive, amazing imagination, she chases her dreams, she makes things happen, she loves deeply, she is loved deeply, she leaves an impression on everyone she meets, people don't forget her, she is mesmerizing, and she stands her ground. She is who I've wanted to be since I was a little girl.
     When I have daughters I will hand them books because I want them to read. I want them to fall in love with books, characters, and go on adventures just as I have. However, I will be selective in their reading. I don't want to raise daughters that think Bella Swan is a role model. Or daughters that just sit around accomplishing nothing while they wait for their "prince to come". I don't want them to attract the Edward Cullens, Christian Greys, and Prince Charmings of the world. I want my daughters to imagine themselves being strong and courageous. I want to raise daughters that go outside and pretend to be Hermione Granger, Cassie Logan, and Anne Shirley. I want them to attract the Ron Weasleys, Gilbert Blythes, and Moes of the world. I want to be Anne Shirley, Hermione, or Cassie. I want to be Mulan. I say this because what we read and see shapes our very being. The first fictional character we fall in love with we will always be in love with. The first heroine we read about is who we will try to become. I don't know about you but I want to be strong, brave, confident, and a world changer. So if I would be any fictional character...I would be Anne Shirley and that's why. Want to know a secret? I am.

~ Carrots

“Oh, it's delightful to have ambitions. I'm so glad I have such a lot. And there never seems to be any end to them-- that's the best of it. Just as soon as you attain to one ambition you see another one glittering higher up still. It does make life so interesting.” 
― L.M. Monstgomery, Anne Of Green Gables