First Thirty Seconds of Becoming An Adult

     For Christmas my roommate got be a huge book composed of 642 writing prompts. It's a book I had been wanting forever. Every single time we went to Target I would grab it and flip through and look at all of the prompts. I would always pick one and verbally flesh it out into a story or give my answer. I would spend the majority of the car ride home thinking about whatever prompt I had picked out. Since Christmas it's safe to say I've spent hours sitting over that book writing and imagining. Despite all of the time I've spent with that book I'm not even close to having 1/4 of the prompts answered.
     There's one writing prompt that I've attempted to start several times but I haven't been able to. The moment you realized you were an adult? I've sat at the table staring at it trying to come up with an answer. Surely I've had this moment. I'll be 22 in a few short months. I've been out of the house, heck out of the state, for almost 4 years. I've failed miserably at college, failed at relationships, paid bills...oh so many bills, had jobs, been laid off, gotten a tattoo, had speeding tickets, I have my own place, I've had surgery, heck I'm a youth leader at my church...that should all equal being an adult. Yet through all of it I have never had a moment where I've been like, aha so this is it, the moment where I'm no longer a child. I've just continued to see myself as growing up. Today I think I had the first thirty seconds of that moment.
     Today was Operation Bucket List...okay so that's what I named today because I like naming things. My cousin, Caleb, is leaving for the marines in just over a week. Today was the last opportunity we would have to hang out and spend time with each other before he leaves. Caleb and I have been best friends practically since birth. Just check out this adorable, yet extremely blurry picture, just to see how far back we go. That's me trying to carry him, even though we're the exact

same size. We spent the afternoon together just hanging out. We went and got ice cream, spent a few hours wandering around Vintage Stock, watched shows about ghosts, talked about anything and everything, debated about ridiculous things, played the piano, watched youtube; we did practically everything we could manage to cram into a few hours. A lot of the things we've done since we were little kids (barring any outside activities because it's freezing). We just spent the day being us.
     Caleb and I didn't grow up down the street together by any means. In fact the closest we've lived to each other is an hour. But, that didn't stop us from growing up together and always being there when it counted. The conversations on the phone that lasted until 3 am because life was hard. I met his most of his girlfriends, and he always new which guys I liked. We knew everything about each other. I used to joke around that he knew me better than myself. When Caleb was going through a hard time; through family stuff, the loss of friends, etc I was there and I mourned with him. When he was the most kick butt percussionist in the state, when he got a scholarship, and got award I was there to celebrate. I can't think of a single time when I needed him that he wasn't there. When my grandfather on the other side of the family passed away Caleb came and sat with me through the funeral. This last September my appendix ruptured and my fantastic roommate took me to the hospital. She called my parents, and no one else, but they would take a while to get there because they lived in the next state over. Who showed up unexpectedly until my mom could get there? Caleb did, and he came back every day that I was in the hospital (until he got strep throat because that would have been a bad deal). We have always been there to support each other and carry each other (literally before my surgery when the pain was so bad I couldn't walk on my own) through life. To quote my favorite Anne Shirley we are in every sense of the word, "kindred spirits."  There has never been a point in life where I thought I would have to do life without him. Until today.
     After the day was over we hugged, said goodbye, and he left. As I watched my best friend of 21 years drive off I realized this was our last day together. Our last day as friends and it hurt like crazy. Don't get me wrong I am extremely proud of him for joining the military, and I am ecstatic to begin my Thailand adventure but that didn't make it any easier. I know, you're thinking, he'll be back. Yeah he will, he'll come back in May for 10 days exactly and then he'll leave again for 3 weeks. Then he gets his station, maybe here, maybe somewhere else. It doesn't matter because then I leave. I'm moving to Thailand this fall and who knows if or when I'm coming back. As I stood outside in the snow, waving goodbye to the other side of my coin all I could think was, "so this is what becoming an adult feels like." I'm not saying that I feel like a total adult or that I'm there yet. However, for me realizing that I won't always have my best friend by my side was officially the first 30 seconds of the, The moment you realized you were an adult writing prompt. Today I officially left part of my childhood behind.

Saying Goodbye Sucks

     I've had tons of experience saying goodbye in my short lifetime. Saying goodbye to town, schools, houses, friends, family, favorite places, memories, and seasons of life. I've been told it gets easier as time goes on, but I don't think that's true. I think it's something we tell ourselves to try and make ourselves feel better every time a goodbye is coming up. This week I had another goodbye. I had to say goodbye to a lot of things. I said goodbye to some emotional investments I had made, I had to say goodbye to my sister after she spent the weekend at my house, after a year of not being an intern this class' graduation brought another wave of saying goodbye to my internship experience and Texas, and I had to say goodbye to Megan.
     Three interns, Holli, Ben, and Megan, all graduated from their undergrads year a few days ago and I consider all of them to be great friends. Holli and Ben are sticking around...Megan is moving back to Wisconsin. It sucks.
     Every time I say goodbye to my sister I get a little teary but I also know she's my sister and she'll always be around. I'll see her again and we'll talk on the phone and the distance may ache but we're still with each other. Saying goodbye to friends isn't that way. In all honesty we don't if or when we'll see each other again. We don't know for how long or how consistently we'll stay in contact. Maybe we made a friendship that will last a lifetime and span the distance, like I've been blessed enough to have with Kate, or maybe we'll cry and miss each other and try for a while and then wake up one day and realize we haven't talked in months. At the moment I can't fathom that happening and I'm still crying over what I feel I've lost, but that could very likely be the reality that's facing me.
     Anyway, so we gathered in Hurts Donuts for our last hoorah and shortly after getting some deliciousness my sister and Holli's family left (we're from the same town so they took my sister home), we went outside and told them goodbye, teared up, and had to go back inside. The real blow came when we get back inside and Megan's mom is standing up and saying it was time to leave at which point I lost it and started bawling. The flood gates had opened in the middle of a donuts shop and there was no stopping it. We ended up in a loft away from everyone in a very strange group hug, Holli, Megan, and I, and cried. There was no way I was letting Megan leave me. Who else was I supposed to fangirl over The Jonas Brothers with? Or watch High School Musical? Who's clothes was I going to steal? Who would be able to be Megan and Kaitlin with me if I have no Megan? No one.
     Eventually we went back down took pictures in which I'm sure we were all red and blotchy and Megan left and I was left with the ache of another goodbye and the hole that takes away your breath when you feel like you're losing someone that means the world to you. It sucks and that feeling hasn't gone away yet and I don't know when it will. I haven't really stopped crying and I don't know when that will happen either. All I know is through goodbyes and separations life will go on. It has to. There is no grand life lesson or revelation in this post other than this bit of encouragement. We all go through goodbyes and loss and we all survive. So, when you're facing a goodbye that you think might kill you remember this, it will not kill you, your will survive, and you're not alone.

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Sick is Scary, But I'm Not Alone

     For the past couple weeks I have been sick...like in and out the hospital sick. Sick as in they don't know what's wrong because the diagnoses went from the stomach flu to gallstones to possibly lymphoma to infected organs sick. To be honest, it's scary. Terrifying even. Being in constant pain and not know why. To sit lay there in the hospital higher than a kite while your "adopted" big sister holds your hand and strokes your face trying to keep you calm. While your mom is on the phone with her trying to figure out what's going on. Your best friend comes by the house and calls you and worries and her mom brings you movies and checks in just to make sure your still breathing. That kind of sick. 

     I'm used to hospitals and needles because I have food allergies and those can be intense. I'm not used to actually being sick or being in the hospital. I had my first IV. My first cat scan. My first ultra sound. I had a lot of first things. The pain killers made me so loopy is was ridiculous. The lab tech had to come tell me that Kristoff isn't real. That was embarrassing. It is scary though not knowing what's wrong with you. I mean at one point and time I was in so much pain I collapsed on my floor and just vomited everywhere...it was bad. I have follow up appointments this next week and I'm still in pain and I still have meds but I am getting better. Anyway, the point of this blog is that I am thankful.

     I have people that love me. People that aren't blood but that are my family. My parents live 5 hours away and couldn't get to me. I could have easily been dropped of at the hospital or home and left alone but I wasn't. At the hospital I always had someone by my side. They left their jobs and families to sit with me, so that I wouldn't be alone. When I was home I had someone dropping by or calling or messaging me constantly. I was never alone. I was, I am loved. I am surrounded by people that would drop everything for me. One of my biggest needs is family. One of my biggest fears is being alone. When I was sick I kept thinking I can't do this alone. I can't. I don't have to. My best friend was there. My "big sister" was there. My mentor. My best friend's mom. Those are all people that were physically there for me. My mom and my dad were constantly on the phone. My church family was constantly praying for me. People were checking in and asking about me. I was, I am loved. So, just remember. No matter what you think or what you're scared of. You are not alone. 

~ Carrots

My Best Friend and I Went To Chicago: A Free Form Poem

My best friend and I went to Chicago

It was going to be the trip of the year

It was the trip of the year

We got in the car and drove for 9 hours

We got stopped in traffic

We ate at gas stations

We sang songs from frozen

My best friend and I drove to Chicago

My best friend and I arrived in Chicago

We were exhausted and hungry from the trip

Poor us we hadn't eaten 

In a couple hours

So we used our nice gift cards and ate at a restaurant

Then we laid our weary heads on fancy hotel pillows

But not before watching Supernatural on Netflix

My best friend and I arrived in Chicago 

My best friend and I woke up and ventured into Chicago

We went and visited a college we didn't want to go to

We talked to kids we had just met

We questioned why the school wasn't sending missionaries into the ghetto

Then we sat in on an apologetics class and ate free cafeteria food

We avoided the ghetto at all costs

Maybe not really asking those questions with sincere hearts

My best friend and I woke up and ventured into Chicago

My best friend and I walked through Chicago

We parked our car in a safe place and bought a ventra public transit card

I encountered my first homeless man

Face to face but I didn't have any cash

So I kept walking

I didn't even bother to pray

We went in and out of stores

Sang songs as we skipped down the streets

Went into a creepy art museum and complained about wasting eight dollars

All the while walking past another man who didn't have eight dollars to waste

We saw art and architecture

Faced my fear of heights by visiting the John Hancock tower

Briefly complained that we didn't have enough money 

To buy ridiculous outfits for kids we don't have

Passing by another man that didn't have enough money for lunch

My best friend and I walked through Chicago

My best friend and I went back to out hotel

We had, had an amazing day in the city

Just two best friends roaming around

Making amazing memories

Exploring new places

But we were tired and we needed sleep

Needed to rest up for our next big day in the city

I got a little car sick

Ate some crackers

Went to sleep

Felt Better

My best friend and I went back to our hotel

My best friend and I went back into Chicago

We went to Millennial Park and saw the bean

We went and watched a Polish Day parade

My best friend made a new friend

He was a drunk Polish kid

A strange man decided to talk to us

He made us nervous

So we got lost in the crowd of people

We saw protesters at the parade

I don't know what they were protesting

Maybe they just hated the polish

Then we got on a train and went to the Navy Pier

We passed another man

He wanted to let us know that Jesus was coming back

I already know this

I wonder if he knows that he's chasing people away

Not drawing them to God

Then I walked past another homeless man

I didn't help him

Did I chase him away?

My best friend and I went back into Chicago

My best friend and I made it to the Navy Pier

We rode a carousel because she loves me

I rode the Ferris wheel because I love her

We walked to the water

Took beautiful city skyline pictures

I never encountered anyone in need at the Pier

I left with a clear conscious 

I didn't question myself

Or feel guilt because I couldn't help anyone

I enjoyed the day

My best friend and I made it to the Navy Pier

My best friend and stayed a little too late in Chicago

We ended up on the wrong side of town

Taking the subway with a drug dealer, inappropriate college kids, and people who could care less

I passed several homeless men and I could do nothing

As we came out of the subway I learned what fear can feel like

A group of men yelled at us

Tried to block us

And almost followed us

They got distracted and we were free

I hope the girl that distracted them is okay

I asked a cop making a dirty deal how to find the bus stop

I think he contemplated shooting me before he gave me directions

We finally found the bus stop and stood with the only other white girl

I wondered if I was racist

I didn't think racism was still a thing in my world

But she felt safe

I could feel guilty about that later

I saw a girl working

She was walking the streets and something rose up inside of me

My heart broke

I went to talk to her

To give her a number she could call so she could get help

I saw her pimp across the street

I knew if I tried to help her or talk to her he would punish her

I would only make things worse

So I let her go

We finally got on the bus and I didn't let anyone see me stifle me tears for her

We made it back the car safe and sound

My best friend and I stayed a little too late in Chicago

My best friend I made it home

I slept for seven hours of the nine hour drive

We left the city behind us 

Made a lot of memories

Did I a lot of cool things

Have a lot of fun stories to tell

Pictures to share

We plan on making it an annual trip

We only talk about the good things

We try to forget the faces of those we couldn't help

Next year the trip will have a purpose

It will be our get away

Our bonding time trip to leave home and responsibility behind

But, we'll pack some spare change

So that maybe we can buy that man a ride to the shelter

Chicago was an adventure

It changed me

Now I'm back to the daily grind

We'll have to go back though

To get the piece of me I left behind

Oh

My best friend and I made it home

~ Carrots

Ron Weasley Is My Security Blanket

            I hate breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc.) for two reasons…or rather I hate two things about breaks. I hate leaving for break and I hate coming back break. I hate leaving for break because I hate saying goodbye. I don’t like leaving people behind…I spend every single day with these people. They are a part of my life. We work, eat, play, and grow together. Sometimes, I think I’m too attached to people because I barely know how to function without them. So, I hate leaving for break because I don’t like leaving people…I cried at the airport dropping people off. I cried hugging people goodbye at church. Heck, I even cried when I didn’t get to tell someone I don’t even like goodbye. Even if I don’t like you I’ll miss you because I don’t remember how to do life without you. Then inevitably I spend the first 2-3 days of break lamenting my loneliness and feeling empty and alone.

            Then I start loving being on break. Having no responsibilities, not having to worry about other people’s problems, not being in charge of anything; just being at home with the people I love the most and enjoying spending time with them. I’m very close to my family and I love doing things like daddy-daughter dates to Quick Trip, having tea parties with my sister, and helping my mom with unruly school kids. I enjoy family dinners, playing with my animals, reading books, and watching movies. I enjoy being part of a family again. I miss it. I miss being with my parents and sister, I miss them so much it hurts sometimes. I miss being a big sister. Sometimes distance and responsibilities at HAO make me feel like I’m not being the best big sister ever. I miss my little sis. Yet during break I was able to give her my complete undivided attention and attend the first Orchestra concert of hers that I’ve been to in almost 3 years! She is fabulous. I just loved being home. It was great and I suddenly didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay home with my family and friends. I wanted to be normal and just got to school or whatever. I even asked my best friend from back in Missouri if she would pack up my room for me…she told me no. I told her I didn’t want to come back because I was scared and nervous. I was homesick and all kinds of things. Then I told her that I would come back unless she got me Ron Weasley because if I had Ron everything would be okay and I could handle all of the stress.

            Needless to say I went back. It was what I was supposed to do, but that didn’t make it easy. I missed my parents and sister. I missed home…plus this time saying goodbye to Kansas was real. This time I knew I would never be coming back for more than occasional visits and that’s a tough place to be in. I got back to my house and loaded everything in. Mumbled hello to my housemates that had returned before and went to my room. I turned on my light and found that my room was completely covered in pictures of Ron Weasley. COVERED! I counted around over 20 (so obviously not all of them are shown here). I just started laughing and suddenly I was okay with being back. The fact that I have friends that love and care about enough to spend time cutting out and taping up pictures of Ron all over my room/bathroom just to make feel better made me realize how lucky I am. So what if it’s difficult, stressful, or away from my family. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s where I want to be. Ron Weasley is my security blanket because it took me a bunch of tiny Rons all over my room to make feel like I was home. Where I belong. As to what it means about my feelings toward Ron Weasley…maybe just a bit obsessed but who cares. I have the best friends in the world and thanks to them I have the best room too.

~ Carrots

Carrots and Crowhead Together Again and Other Aspects of Our Friendship

     “We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.

Even longer,' Pooh answered.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

     As life goes on we grow up and as we grow up we change and as we change so does everyone and everything else. With change comes this amazing ability for people to move away and move on. Also with change comes this incredible ability to find friendships and relationships that defy moving away and moving on because they're stronger than growing up...they're stronger than life. I feel like I legitimately have 2 maybe 3 of these friendships. The kind where you just kind of pick up where you left off and it's like you never went a day without seeing each other. Without being part of our everyday life they still know everything about you and they are still your other half. (Well maybe not other half...but they are a part of you.) One of these is my lovely Crowhead :)

     This weekend Kate came all the way to Missouri from Canada!!! I was so stinking excited and happy to see her. When she got in I was still asleep and she just came in a laid down on top of my in an attempt to wake me up. I just rolled over, rolled back over and hugged her, sleepily told her about the dream I had just had, then I rolled over and went back to sleep for a whole 5 minutes. We then got to spend all Saturday together running around town with one of our other close friends, hanging out at the house watching movies, and then going to a Saturday night youth service that I work at. It was so much fun and it was just like nothing had every changed...like we weren't in different countries. We had one or two serious conversations, we talked about music, guys, movies, and the everyday going on in our lives. We relived memories and inside jokes and just enjoyed the time we had to be Carrots and Crowhead (we also agreed to get tattoos together.) Sunday we went to church/HAO January class' graduation and then went to my church's Ugly Sweater Christmas party and had an absolute blast! She met my "new" friends and I got to hear all kinds of stories about hers. Being Best Friends doesn't mean that we won't have other people that we become close to or that we'll share our secrets and dreams with...being best friends means that at the end of the day we will always be friends, that she's the person I'm closest to no matter the physical distance, it means that she will always be one step ahead of all of my other friends when it comes to knowing everything about me, and it means that even when we go months without seeing each other it'll be like we were always together.

     Sunday night I had to tell Kate goodbye because she was going to head back to Canada in a couple days and I was heading to Kansas for Christmas break early the next morning. I cried...I cried a lot. I cried telling her goodbye and I cried after she left. I cried because she is my best friend and I miss her. I miss her like crazy.  Canada is far away and who knows when the next time Carrots and Crowhead will be together again will be. I cried because when you have a best friend that you don't live near when you are together you realize that a small part of you was missing while you were apart and when you get to see each other that part comes back. God designed best friends because we aren't meant to go through life alone and when you have a best friend you and that person become part of each other in some ways. So, I cried because even though I know we will keep on going on being best friends it still hurts to be separated from my chosen sister so much.
     As Winnie-the-Pooh says, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, and I am. I am so thankful for Kate because she's amazing. She knows things about me that literally no other human being on the planet knows about me. She knows my deepest darkest secrets, all of my obsessions, my likes, and dislikes. She knows all of my quirks and what to do when I'm sick or having an allergic reaction. She is my very best friend and to be completely 100% honest she is the best friend anyone could have and I am so thankful for her. I don't know what I would do without her and I'm glad I have her. I love you Crowhead!  

~ Carrots

“Kindred spirits alone do not change with the changing years.” 

― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island