Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Ron Weasley Is My Security Blanket

            I hate breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc.) for two reasons…or rather I hate two things about breaks. I hate leaving for break and I hate coming back break. I hate leaving for break because I hate saying goodbye. I don’t like leaving people behind…I spend every single day with these people. They are a part of my life. We work, eat, play, and grow together. Sometimes, I think I’m too attached to people because I barely know how to function without them. So, I hate leaving for break because I don’t like leaving people…I cried at the airport dropping people off. I cried hugging people goodbye at church. Heck, I even cried when I didn’t get to tell someone I don’t even like goodbye. Even if I don’t like you I’ll miss you because I don’t remember how to do life without you. Then inevitably I spend the first 2-3 days of break lamenting my loneliness and feeling empty and alone.

            Then I start loving being on break. Having no responsibilities, not having to worry about other people’s problems, not being in charge of anything; just being at home with the people I love the most and enjoying spending time with them. I’m very close to my family and I love doing things like daddy-daughter dates to Quick Trip, having tea parties with my sister, and helping my mom with unruly school kids. I enjoy family dinners, playing with my animals, reading books, and watching movies. I enjoy being part of a family again. I miss it. I miss being with my parents and sister, I miss them so much it hurts sometimes. I miss being a big sister. Sometimes distance and responsibilities at HAO make me feel like I’m not being the best big sister ever. I miss my little sis. Yet during break I was able to give her my complete undivided attention and attend the first Orchestra concert of hers that I’ve been to in almost 3 years! She is fabulous. I just loved being home. It was great and I suddenly didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay home with my family and friends. I wanted to be normal and just got to school or whatever. I even asked my best friend from back in Missouri if she would pack up my room for me…she told me no. I told her I didn’t want to come back because I was scared and nervous. I was homesick and all kinds of things. Then I told her that I would come back unless she got me Ron Weasley because if I had Ron everything would be okay and I could handle all of the stress.

            Needless to say I went back. It was what I was supposed to do, but that didn’t make it easy. I missed my parents and sister. I missed home…plus this time saying goodbye to Kansas was real. This time I knew I would never be coming back for more than occasional visits and that’s a tough place to be in. I got back to my house and loaded everything in. Mumbled hello to my housemates that had returned before and went to my room. I turned on my light and found that my room was completely covered in pictures of Ron Weasley. COVERED! I counted around over 20 (so obviously not all of them are shown here). I just started laughing and suddenly I was okay with being back. The fact that I have friends that love and care about enough to spend time cutting out and taping up pictures of Ron all over my room/bathroom just to make feel better made me realize how lucky I am. So what if it’s difficult, stressful, or away from my family. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s where I want to be. Ron Weasley is my security blanket because it took me a bunch of tiny Rons all over my room to make feel like I was home. Where I belong. As to what it means about my feelings toward Ron Weasley…maybe just a bit obsessed but who cares. I have the best friends in the world and thanks to them I have the best room too.

~ Carrots