First Thirty Seconds of Becoming An Adult

     For Christmas my roommate got be a huge book composed of 642 writing prompts. It's a book I had been wanting forever. Every single time we went to Target I would grab it and flip through and look at all of the prompts. I would always pick one and verbally flesh it out into a story or give my answer. I would spend the majority of the car ride home thinking about whatever prompt I had picked out. Since Christmas it's safe to say I've spent hours sitting over that book writing and imagining. Despite all of the time I've spent with that book I'm not even close to having 1/4 of the prompts answered.
     There's one writing prompt that I've attempted to start several times but I haven't been able to. The moment you realized you were an adult? I've sat at the table staring at it trying to come up with an answer. Surely I've had this moment. I'll be 22 in a few short months. I've been out of the house, heck out of the state, for almost 4 years. I've failed miserably at college, failed at relationships, paid bills...oh so many bills, had jobs, been laid off, gotten a tattoo, had speeding tickets, I have my own place, I've had surgery, heck I'm a youth leader at my church...that should all equal being an adult. Yet through all of it I have never had a moment where I've been like, aha so this is it, the moment where I'm no longer a child. I've just continued to see myself as growing up. Today I think I had the first thirty seconds of that moment.
     Today was Operation Bucket List...okay so that's what I named today because I like naming things. My cousin, Caleb, is leaving for the marines in just over a week. Today was the last opportunity we would have to hang out and spend time with each other before he leaves. Caleb and I have been best friends practically since birth. Just check out this adorable, yet extremely blurry picture, just to see how far back we go. That's me trying to carry him, even though we're the exact

same size. We spent the afternoon together just hanging out. We went and got ice cream, spent a few hours wandering around Vintage Stock, watched shows about ghosts, talked about anything and everything, debated about ridiculous things, played the piano, watched youtube; we did practically everything we could manage to cram into a few hours. A lot of the things we've done since we were little kids (barring any outside activities because it's freezing). We just spent the day being us.
     Caleb and I didn't grow up down the street together by any means. In fact the closest we've lived to each other is an hour. But, that didn't stop us from growing up together and always being there when it counted. The conversations on the phone that lasted until 3 am because life was hard. I met his most of his girlfriends, and he always new which guys I liked. We knew everything about each other. I used to joke around that he knew me better than myself. When Caleb was going through a hard time; through family stuff, the loss of friends, etc I was there and I mourned with him. When he was the most kick butt percussionist in the state, when he got a scholarship, and got award I was there to celebrate. I can't think of a single time when I needed him that he wasn't there. When my grandfather on the other side of the family passed away Caleb came and sat with me through the funeral. This last September my appendix ruptured and my fantastic roommate took me to the hospital. She called my parents, and no one else, but they would take a while to get there because they lived in the next state over. Who showed up unexpectedly until my mom could get there? Caleb did, and he came back every day that I was in the hospital (until he got strep throat because that would have been a bad deal). We have always been there to support each other and carry each other (literally before my surgery when the pain was so bad I couldn't walk on my own) through life. To quote my favorite Anne Shirley we are in every sense of the word, "kindred spirits."  There has never been a point in life where I thought I would have to do life without him. Until today.
     After the day was over we hugged, said goodbye, and he left. As I watched my best friend of 21 years drive off I realized this was our last day together. Our last day as friends and it hurt like crazy. Don't get me wrong I am extremely proud of him for joining the military, and I am ecstatic to begin my Thailand adventure but that didn't make it any easier. I know, you're thinking, he'll be back. Yeah he will, he'll come back in May for 10 days exactly and then he'll leave again for 3 weeks. Then he gets his station, maybe here, maybe somewhere else. It doesn't matter because then I leave. I'm moving to Thailand this fall and who knows if or when I'm coming back. As I stood outside in the snow, waving goodbye to the other side of my coin all I could think was, "so this is what becoming an adult feels like." I'm not saying that I feel like a total adult or that I'm there yet. However, for me realizing that I won't always have my best friend by my side was officially the first 30 seconds of the, The moment you realized you were an adult writing prompt. Today I officially left part of my childhood behind.

Life Is An Earthquake

     Sometimes in life we feel empty. Things get messy and confusing. Life hurts; mostly it hurts because it changes. Things shift and you have no control over it. It's in the little things like who sits next to who at Christmas dinners. You notice it when suddenly conversations become about what's in theaters instead of your dreams and naming stars. Growing up is one big tectonic plate shifting and shaking your world and just when you think things are going back to normal, you think things are slowing down, everything comes to a screeching halt. What no one tells you about sudden stops is that there's still momentum that crashes everything that's left into the ground. It hurts and it's painful.

     You pick yourself up off of the ground and brush the dust off. Scrambling around trying to gather everything you hold dear. It looks different for everyone; gluing the pieces together that is. Sometimes it's sharing with someone you don't even know. It's sacrifice and giving of yourself. It's letting old dreams die and trying desperately to find a new one. It's fighting with everything you have. It's climbing until you fall down exhausted and then forcing yourself to go one step more. 

     More often than we'd like to admit there is no putting it back together. It's changed and it will never be the same again. We get angry and lash out. We feel abandoned. We become depressed. We curl up inside of ourselves and mourn all that we've lost. We scream, kick, cry, and hit. We try to make sense of everything. We close our tear filled eyes and pray that when we wake up we realize that it will all just be a bad dream. It's not. This is life. It changes us and knocks us flat and it sucks. It hurts and sometimes it leaves us feeling empty and defeated and confused. We want to give up. Stop trying. Just lay down and never give up. That's just how it is.

     I get it, I understand. Here's what I have to say it sucks. It will and you don't have to pretend like everything is okay. Kick, scream, and cry if that's what you need to do. It's okay to be upset. What's not okay is to give up on yourself. Never...ever give up on yourself. You can keep going. You can and you will.

Saying Goodbye Sucks

     I've had tons of experience saying goodbye in my short lifetime. Saying goodbye to town, schools, houses, friends, family, favorite places, memories, and seasons of life. I've been told it gets easier as time goes on, but I don't think that's true. I think it's something we tell ourselves to try and make ourselves feel better every time a goodbye is coming up. This week I had another goodbye. I had to say goodbye to a lot of things. I said goodbye to some emotional investments I had made, I had to say goodbye to my sister after she spent the weekend at my house, after a year of not being an intern this class' graduation brought another wave of saying goodbye to my internship experience and Texas, and I had to say goodbye to Megan.
     Three interns, Holli, Ben, and Megan, all graduated from their undergrads year a few days ago and I consider all of them to be great friends. Holli and Ben are sticking around...Megan is moving back to Wisconsin. It sucks.
     Every time I say goodbye to my sister I get a little teary but I also know she's my sister and she'll always be around. I'll see her again and we'll talk on the phone and the distance may ache but we're still with each other. Saying goodbye to friends isn't that way. In all honesty we don't if or when we'll see each other again. We don't know for how long or how consistently we'll stay in contact. Maybe we made a friendship that will last a lifetime and span the distance, like I've been blessed enough to have with Kate, or maybe we'll cry and miss each other and try for a while and then wake up one day and realize we haven't talked in months. At the moment I can't fathom that happening and I'm still crying over what I feel I've lost, but that could very likely be the reality that's facing me.
     Anyway, so we gathered in Hurts Donuts for our last hoorah and shortly after getting some deliciousness my sister and Holli's family left (we're from the same town so they took my sister home), we went outside and told them goodbye, teared up, and had to go back inside. The real blow came when we get back inside and Megan's mom is standing up and saying it was time to leave at which point I lost it and started bawling. The flood gates had opened in the middle of a donuts shop and there was no stopping it. We ended up in a loft away from everyone in a very strange group hug, Holli, Megan, and I, and cried. There was no way I was letting Megan leave me. Who else was I supposed to fangirl over The Jonas Brothers with? Or watch High School Musical? Who's clothes was I going to steal? Who would be able to be Megan and Kaitlin with me if I have no Megan? No one.
     Eventually we went back down took pictures in which I'm sure we were all red and blotchy and Megan left and I was left with the ache of another goodbye and the hole that takes away your breath when you feel like you're losing someone that means the world to you. It sucks and that feeling hasn't gone away yet and I don't know when it will. I haven't really stopped crying and I don't know when that will happen either. All I know is through goodbyes and separations life will go on. It has to. There is no grand life lesson or revelation in this post other than this bit of encouragement. We all go through goodbyes and loss and we all survive. So, when you're facing a goodbye that you think might kill you remember this, it will not kill you, your will survive, and you're not alone.

20 Minutes With Thurman

    A couple weeks ago I had the honor of meeting a man named Thurman, he and his wife came into the store where I work and while his wife shopped Thurman sat on a bench in an entry way. They walked in and his wife asked if there was a place that he could sit and then she went on to explain that he has alzheimers and he wouldn't be able to go up and down the stairs, and that it would be easier on him if he could sit somewhere and wait. We agreed and before she went downstairs she told us her name and his and to come get her if he got too anxious.
     He was fine for a while and then he started getting anxious and got up and went to look for his wife and my co-worker talked to him and got him to calm down and sit and he was fine. A few minutes same thing. After the third time he was getting very anxious so my co-worker went to tell his wife and I just decided to go sit with him. I've never been around someone going through that so I honestly didn't know if my presence would help or if it would make him more nervous. I grabbed a couple Missouri Conservationist off of our magazine rack and sat down next to him. He was really excited that I knew his name, and he introduced himself to me and I to him and then we looked through one of the magazines together. He told me about how much he loves fishing and how he's always wanted to go quail hunting.
     A few minutes into our conversation he literally blinked once, looked at me and went, "Hi, I'm Thurman...do I know you? Have we met?" I told him we had just met and we were new friends and told him my name, he relaxed and started looking at the magazine and he told me the same stories. This time he told me he was born in 1925, and he wasn't sure how old that made him but he was pretty sure he was 35. A few minutes went passed and soon we had to do introductions again. At this point I started to tear up because I couldn't even begin to imagine what this was like for him or his family. How awful this must be for everyone who loved him. It broke my heart to have to imagine having to go through this. Gently, Thurman reached over and took my hand.
      "Don't cry, I don't like seeing people cry, there's no sense in it. There's so much badness in the world but you can't let it steal your joy. I would never do anything to make anyone feel bad. I believe in working hard, believing in each other, love, and kindness. We must always be kind to those around us, always care for everyone. We can't hurt each other, we need each other too much."
      About that moment his wife walked by and waved at us on her way to the register. Thurman lit up, "Do you see her? She's mine...isn't she beautiful?" I nodded and told her of course she is. His eyes softened and he held my hand tighter, "she's the kindest woman I've ever known. I just couldn't stand being with a woman who was unkind or cantankerous, nope couldn't handle that. But her, she's so kind and gentle. She'd do anything for anybody, give you the clothes off her back, she's just like that. She's an incredible woman that one is."
     After that we just sat silent, hand in hand, waiting for his wife to come through the check out. She did and when she came out she thanked me for sitting with her husband, but really I was the one who should have been thanking her. As he got up to go he turned around to shake my hand, "It was nice meeting you young lady, maybe I'll see you again real soon." If I ever do see Thurman again he won't remember me, he won't know he ever sat with me on a bench inside of a store. I however, will never forget Thurman. Even in the midst of all he was going through he didn't forget the important things. He didn't forget who he was, and he didn't forget to pass on his wisdom. Thurman is right we have to believe in hard work, each other, love, and kindness because there is so much darkness in the world. We have to remember that we need each other and not to let the world steal our joy.

~ Carrots 

I'm Worn

     So it's Human Trafficking Awareness month and that's what this blog was supposed to be about but...it's not. Sorry, but I will do one...eventually. Okay so STORY TIME, I was supposed to start school next week, and I was really excited. Ecstatic to go. Then everything fell through, first my financial aid didn't cover all of my classes and my van died. The school is about 45 minutes away so it's not like I can just get a ride, I have to have a car in order to get to school. No car and no school. That sucks. Then in the midst of all of this I'm losing my job and it's all very frustrating because I also need a car to get a new job. Needless to say I'm not the happiest of people. I'm stressed and frustrated because I thought I was supposed to go to school, and I have to have a job, and I need a car but I don't have the money for one. I have plans for my future and I need to go to school and it's all very frustrating and trying on one's faith. I've spent a lot of time talking to God asking why, why would you ask me to do something if you knew it wasn't going to work? Why would you put these desires in my heart if they aren't going to be fulfilled? How am I going to get a new job? How am I going to pay bills if I don't have a job? How am I going to get to work? How will I get anywhere? God what is going on? Why is everything falling apart? I know you're probably thinking, chill your life isn't falling apart. But, it feels like it some days. One day my roommate sent me this passage.

 

Psalm 37:3-7 (AMP)

"Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass. And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday. Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass."

 

     That my friends is an incredible verse and so I've done my best to read and meditate on this verse and apply it to my life. I started applying for tons of jobs and I had a couple interviews and none of them seemed right and I knew I should say no to them and I did and I was confused because very soon, I'll be jobless. Then out of nowhere I got a call and was offered my dream job and I jumped I said yes and I was beyond happy to say yes. I was blessed and it all started to make sense. I was given this opportunity for experience and learning and it was okay that school hadn't worked out, I could go later. Experience is often a better teacher than text books and I would be getting to do what I love and get paid to do it. It was a dream come true. That was yesterday...this morning I was listening to worship music as I made breakfast and went about my day and I started singing the lyrics, "If I let these dreams die will I find you brought me back to life. So empty my hands fill up my heart capture my mind with you." These lyrics came to be God was obviously speaking to me about school. I mean I let one dream die and God had replaced it with another. Not so, friends, not so. After I got to work today I learned that because of the situation with my vehicle and the fact that this offered position could possibly require me to have to travel at a moments notice and at inconvenient hours I was no longer eligible for the position. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I had literally called everyone I knew and told them about this job, and I was excited. I could stop the job search, I had security and would literally go zero time without a job. Now, I'm back in limbo and my last day where I currently am is in two days. I haven't cried yet but as soon as I'm alone I surely will. I'm scared, and devastated, and yes I'm sitting here in this office kind of confused by and upset with God. He's my father he's supposed to help me and nothing seems to be working out the way it should. Although, even as I sit here fighting tears and very fed up with life God has given me scriptures and songs and is speaking to me about how he's my stability. The song he gave me this morning during worship wasn't about what had happened, it was about what was going to and now is happening. He brought this scripture back to my mind and now it's time to trust and pray and seek and believe. This blog really is just me saying hey....does life honestly kind of suck? Yes, and I get it but I promise you that God is still here with us. Am I happy with the circumstances? No. Am I scared? Yes. Am I honestly frustrated even with God? Yes. BUT, I have faith that he will provide because he loves me and he will always provide for my needs. Life doesn't always make sense but God always stands firm and that's all that I need. It's when I lose sight of God that the circumstances begin to overwhelm  me and I will not let that happen. Because, Jesus Christ is bigger than my storm.

 

This video isn't the one that contains the lyrics I posted, but it is the one that describes how I feel. Not only that but it also says that while I feel this way, I know that God is still in control and still on my side.

~ Carrots

Dear Little Girl; Be Restored

Dear Little Girl with dirt on your faces and bruises on your arms

You are strong.

Don't let them tell you otherwise.

Don't let them steal your life

I know sometimes it's hard

Life is hard

This world is cruel

The nights grow longer

The dark gets colder

You're wondering if this will ever end

Hands grab you

Feet kick you

Words are hurled 

You're used

Broken

Abused

Worthless

Dirty

Incomplete

Disgusting

These things are flung in your face

They stick to you like glue

Identifying you

Labeling you

You start to wonder

Do they speak the truth?

Someone once told you they loved you

You don't remember who

Or when

What does love even feel like?

Does it really exist?

Love is just a term used to get ahead

To manipulate emotions

To bend people to your will

Love is a lie

Dear little girl  

I am here to speak truth

Won't you let me in?

Little girl put down your fists and look at me

Listen to me

I'm not here to hurt you

Love is not a lie

It does exist

I am sorry it's been so long since you've felt it

Sorry that I didn't come sooner to show it

I couldn't protect you

Couldn't shield you

Didn't even warn you

But, I'm here now

That has to count for something

You are bright

Beautiful

Valuable

Full of life

Radiant

Hands that hurt you

Abuse you

Used you

Don't let them define you

Wash off the mud

Wash off the grime

The words that were stuck to you, no longer define

They are not who you are

Nor who you will become

They were merely weapons

Meant to break

A pretty little girl that shines

You are stronger than that

Taller than that

Better than that

Smarter than that

I know it hurts

I know it's hard

It's time to walk away from the past

Follow a new path

Forgive and forget

Start again

New life

They only told you lies

They only hurt you

But I am here to help you heal

Speak truth

Bring you life

You are brave and Beautiful

My dear little one you are fierce

You have much to offer

An amazing story to share

A tale of recovery and redemption

Of hope renewed

Refreshed

You will change the world

Impact

Make a difference

Save a life

Arise from dust and ashes

Walk anew in wondrous life

You are loved 

Precious one

You my dear are light

So sing your song

Dance you dance

Say what you have to say

You are healed, restored, given strength for each new day

Change the world with your story, my love

Dear little girl, be brave

~Carrots

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Carrots and Crowhead Together Again and Other Aspects of Our Friendship

     “We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.

Even longer,' Pooh answered.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

     As life goes on we grow up and as we grow up we change and as we change so does everyone and everything else. With change comes this amazing ability for people to move away and move on. Also with change comes this incredible ability to find friendships and relationships that defy moving away and moving on because they're stronger than growing up...they're stronger than life. I feel like I legitimately have 2 maybe 3 of these friendships. The kind where you just kind of pick up where you left off and it's like you never went a day without seeing each other. Without being part of our everyday life they still know everything about you and they are still your other half. (Well maybe not other half...but they are a part of you.) One of these is my lovely Crowhead :)

     This weekend Kate came all the way to Missouri from Canada!!! I was so stinking excited and happy to see her. When she got in I was still asleep and she just came in a laid down on top of my in an attempt to wake me up. I just rolled over, rolled back over and hugged her, sleepily told her about the dream I had just had, then I rolled over and went back to sleep for a whole 5 minutes. We then got to spend all Saturday together running around town with one of our other close friends, hanging out at the house watching movies, and then going to a Saturday night youth service that I work at. It was so much fun and it was just like nothing had every changed...like we weren't in different countries. We had one or two serious conversations, we talked about music, guys, movies, and the everyday going on in our lives. We relived memories and inside jokes and just enjoyed the time we had to be Carrots and Crowhead (we also agreed to get tattoos together.) Sunday we went to church/HAO January class' graduation and then went to my church's Ugly Sweater Christmas party and had an absolute blast! She met my "new" friends and I got to hear all kinds of stories about hers. Being Best Friends doesn't mean that we won't have other people that we become close to or that we'll share our secrets and dreams with...being best friends means that at the end of the day we will always be friends, that she's the person I'm closest to no matter the physical distance, it means that she will always be one step ahead of all of my other friends when it comes to knowing everything about me, and it means that even when we go months without seeing each other it'll be like we were always together.

     Sunday night I had to tell Kate goodbye because she was going to head back to Canada in a couple days and I was heading to Kansas for Christmas break early the next morning. I cried...I cried a lot. I cried telling her goodbye and I cried after she left. I cried because she is my best friend and I miss her. I miss her like crazy.  Canada is far away and who knows when the next time Carrots and Crowhead will be together again will be. I cried because when you have a best friend that you don't live near when you are together you realize that a small part of you was missing while you were apart and when you get to see each other that part comes back. God designed best friends because we aren't meant to go through life alone and when you have a best friend you and that person become part of each other in some ways. So, I cried because even though I know we will keep on going on being best friends it still hurts to be separated from my chosen sister so much.
     As Winnie-the-Pooh says, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, and I am. I am so thankful for Kate because she's amazing. She knows things about me that literally no other human being on the planet knows about me. She knows my deepest darkest secrets, all of my obsessions, my likes, and dislikes. She knows all of my quirks and what to do when I'm sick or having an allergic reaction. She is my very best friend and to be completely 100% honest she is the best friend anyone could have and I am so thankful for her. I don't know what I would do without her and I'm glad I have her. I love you Crowhead!  

~ Carrots

“Kindred spirits alone do not change with the changing years.” 

― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island

Why I Want To Be Anne Shirley

     "If you could be any fictional character who would you be and why?" Just one of the many questions written down on the many index cards in a pile on my living room floor. My housemates and I have spent many hours playing The Question Game because we're nerds that love ice breakers and love talking about ourselves. This is the question I have been waiting for. Anything about books or fictional character I've got in the bag. So why am I suddenly staring at this question like a deer in the headlights? This should be easy say a name and give a reason. But I think...no this is important. This is me telling everyone who I wish I was. Who I want to be. Who I dream about becoming. This defines me. I think of every girl, teenager, and even woman that I have heard answer this question with things like, "I want to be Bella Swan." All I can think when people say that is why? Why would you want to be Bella Swan? Or girls that want to be Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White. What makes you want to be them? Is it because of the guys they get? Their beauty? The "happily ever after"? What is it that makes being them so appealing? Don't get me wrong I love Disney Princess movies...my personal favorites are Tangled and Mulan but come on. Snow White ran away and lived with men she didn't know and then fell into a trap rendering her helpless until a man she didn't know kissed her. Exact same scenario with Sleeping Beauty minus the men, instead she lives with magical grandmothers. Cinderella, I love watching Cinderella....Cinderella 3 is actually pretty speculator. But, I have never wanted to be her. She marries a guy that didn't even recognize her until she had on a certain article of clothing. So I thought who would I want to be a why? Hermione Granger would be a good choice...but no that's a little too far fetched, plus I mean I've been a fan of Harry Potter for exactly 3 months. Mulan? I mean come on she saved an entire country, but I would really rather not be a Disney Princess. I want it to be someone I've read about, watched, and admired since childhood. Someone realistic. Someone real...as real as a fictional character can be. Someone who when I have daughters of my own I'll feel comfortable handing them her books and movies and saying here...when you play make believe, believe you are her. I pray my daughters never wish to become Bella Swan. So I thought, and as you can probably guess, I would be Anne Shirley.

     Anne Shirley is as real as any fictional character can be. She has flaws, oh does she have flaws. She has family problems (she doesn't have a family until Matthew and Marilla). She deals with insecurities about her appearance. All she wants is to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and taken care of. She's a dreamer. She's misunderstood...she is essentially a real emotional girl. She finds a family and they love her for her and through their love she comes to understand her value and worth. She is physically a beautiful woman and after she struggles with her red hair she learns to accept it as part of what makes her beautiful. Plus I love gingers and kind of want to be a ginger to the red hair for me would be bonus points of being Anne Shirley. She is so incredibly smart. She is smart and she doesn't hide it or play dumb. She excels at school, does her very best, gets an education, and uses that education to better herself and help other people. She is bold. Anne Shirley is never timid about what she believes or wants...and yes she should learn some tact but at least she doesn't let people walk all over her. She is strong so strong! She overcomes, adjusts, heals, and is restored always coming to the other side of a trail as victorious and not a victim! If we're going to venture away from the books and strictly into the movies she traveled the freaking globe in order to find and save her husband. Woman kicked some butt! Look at the books, she is still just as amazing and strong even without plowing through war torn lands.
     She doesn't need a man. Granted she end up with the perfect  man aka Gilbert Blythe and everything in me ached for her to end up with him sooner than she did, she still didn't spend every waking minute of her life fawning over him, (like I do, ha-ha.) Do I wish she would have spent a little more time fawning over him and less time holding a grudge over being called Carrots? Yes, yes I do. Besides, we all know Gil is another reason why I would want to be Anne. But, between breaking his heart, him breaking her heart, them becoming friends, dating other people, being single, becoming best friends, falling in love, and accept the falling in love she lived her life. She did not determine her life based upon Gil and what he was doing. Even when she was hurting over him she lived. She went to school got a job, and touched the lives of those around her. She took care of Marilla, and even bettered herself for marriage. Then yes she does marry a man and falls helplessly in love and that is NOT a bad thing it's an amazing thing...but she did it at the right time and she never needed him to determine her worth. She was confident in who she was as an individual and that's what we need before we need a man.

     She also had a great best friend. They were so different but they loved and cared about each other. Every girl needs a bosom friend that will be there no matter what and she had that! They weren't catty or gossipy or got jealous. They were friends. They recognized strength and weaknesses and instead of shaming or bragging the helped, encouraged, and strengthened. That's how friendship is supposed to work! Sure they had their problems  but they got through it. They did things too! More than just sit around and talk about boys. They went on adventures, they read books, and wrote...oh my goodness Anne and Dianna are the epitome of the friendship that I want to have and want my daughters to have too. They valued each other and didn't throw one another under the bus.

     Things I want to do that Anne does or that I admire. Reasons I want to be here (basically a repeat with different words.) She is book smart and street smart, she is bold, she's a published author (my dream!), she's beautiful, she's strong, she's passionate, she's independent, she knows how to have a great friendship, she's an amazing mother, she gets Gilbert Blythe I mean hello, she takes care of her family, she has her head on straight, she's a ginger, her vocabulary is extensive and impressive, amazing imagination, she chases her dreams, she makes things happen, she loves deeply, she is loved deeply, she leaves an impression on everyone she meets, people don't forget her, she is mesmerizing, and she stands her ground. She is who I've wanted to be since I was a little girl.
     When I have daughters I will hand them books because I want them to read. I want them to fall in love with books, characters, and go on adventures just as I have. However, I will be selective in their reading. I don't want to raise daughters that think Bella Swan is a role model. Or daughters that just sit around accomplishing nothing while they wait for their "prince to come". I don't want them to attract the Edward Cullens, Christian Greys, and Prince Charmings of the world. I want my daughters to imagine themselves being strong and courageous. I want to raise daughters that go outside and pretend to be Hermione Granger, Cassie Logan, and Anne Shirley. I want them to attract the Ron Weasleys, Gilbert Blythes, and Moes of the world. I want to be Anne Shirley, Hermione, or Cassie. I want to be Mulan. I say this because what we read and see shapes our very being. The first fictional character we fall in love with we will always be in love with. The first heroine we read about is who we will try to become. I don't know about you but I want to be strong, brave, confident, and a world changer. So if I would be any fictional character...I would be Anne Shirley and that's why. Want to know a secret? I am.

~ Carrots

“Oh, it's delightful to have ambitions. I'm so glad I have such a lot. And there never seems to be any end to them-- that's the best of it. Just as soon as you attain to one ambition you see another one glittering higher up still. It does make life so interesting.” 
― L.M. Monstgomery, Anne Of Green Gables