First Thirty Seconds of Becoming An Adult

     For Christmas my roommate got be a huge book composed of 642 writing prompts. It's a book I had been wanting forever. Every single time we went to Target I would grab it and flip through and look at all of the prompts. I would always pick one and verbally flesh it out into a story or give my answer. I would spend the majority of the car ride home thinking about whatever prompt I had picked out. Since Christmas it's safe to say I've spent hours sitting over that book writing and imagining. Despite all of the time I've spent with that book I'm not even close to having 1/4 of the prompts answered.
     There's one writing prompt that I've attempted to start several times but I haven't been able to. The moment you realized you were an adult? I've sat at the table staring at it trying to come up with an answer. Surely I've had this moment. I'll be 22 in a few short months. I've been out of the house, heck out of the state, for almost 4 years. I've failed miserably at college, failed at relationships, paid bills...oh so many bills, had jobs, been laid off, gotten a tattoo, had speeding tickets, I have my own place, I've had surgery, heck I'm a youth leader at my church...that should all equal being an adult. Yet through all of it I have never had a moment where I've been like, aha so this is it, the moment where I'm no longer a child. I've just continued to see myself as growing up. Today I think I had the first thirty seconds of that moment.
     Today was Operation Bucket List...okay so that's what I named today because I like naming things. My cousin, Caleb, is leaving for the marines in just over a week. Today was the last opportunity we would have to hang out and spend time with each other before he leaves. Caleb and I have been best friends practically since birth. Just check out this adorable, yet extremely blurry picture, just to see how far back we go. That's me trying to carry him, even though we're the exact

same size. We spent the afternoon together just hanging out. We went and got ice cream, spent a few hours wandering around Vintage Stock, watched shows about ghosts, talked about anything and everything, debated about ridiculous things, played the piano, watched youtube; we did practically everything we could manage to cram into a few hours. A lot of the things we've done since we were little kids (barring any outside activities because it's freezing). We just spent the day being us.
     Caleb and I didn't grow up down the street together by any means. In fact the closest we've lived to each other is an hour. But, that didn't stop us from growing up together and always being there when it counted. The conversations on the phone that lasted until 3 am because life was hard. I met his most of his girlfriends, and he always new which guys I liked. We knew everything about each other. I used to joke around that he knew me better than myself. When Caleb was going through a hard time; through family stuff, the loss of friends, etc I was there and I mourned with him. When he was the most kick butt percussionist in the state, when he got a scholarship, and got award I was there to celebrate. I can't think of a single time when I needed him that he wasn't there. When my grandfather on the other side of the family passed away Caleb came and sat with me through the funeral. This last September my appendix ruptured and my fantastic roommate took me to the hospital. She called my parents, and no one else, but they would take a while to get there because they lived in the next state over. Who showed up unexpectedly until my mom could get there? Caleb did, and he came back every day that I was in the hospital (until he got strep throat because that would have been a bad deal). We have always been there to support each other and carry each other (literally before my surgery when the pain was so bad I couldn't walk on my own) through life. To quote my favorite Anne Shirley we are in every sense of the word, "kindred spirits."  There has never been a point in life where I thought I would have to do life without him. Until today.
     After the day was over we hugged, said goodbye, and he left. As I watched my best friend of 21 years drive off I realized this was our last day together. Our last day as friends and it hurt like crazy. Don't get me wrong I am extremely proud of him for joining the military, and I am ecstatic to begin my Thailand adventure but that didn't make it any easier. I know, you're thinking, he'll be back. Yeah he will, he'll come back in May for 10 days exactly and then he'll leave again for 3 weeks. Then he gets his station, maybe here, maybe somewhere else. It doesn't matter because then I leave. I'm moving to Thailand this fall and who knows if or when I'm coming back. As I stood outside in the snow, waving goodbye to the other side of my coin all I could think was, "so this is what becoming an adult feels like." I'm not saying that I feel like a total adult or that I'm there yet. However, for me realizing that I won't always have my best friend by my side was officially the first 30 seconds of the, The moment you realized you were an adult writing prompt. Today I officially left part of my childhood behind.

Gatsby Is Very Wrong, But We Already Knew That

      Have you ever missed the past so bad that it hurt? Maybe not the past but the way things used to be? A friendship that's changed or vanished completely, lack of responsibilities, maybe having someone you've lost, being naive, innocent, a simpler time, etc. Maybe something sparked it...a picture, a song, a show, a smell, it could be anything. And for unexplained reasons a sadness rose up inside of you and tears pricked your eyes. You suddenly found it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to do anything. And with everything you have in that moment you wanted to go back. To repeat the past. You suddenly found yourself missing it with a longing so strong there's no word for it. Nothing at all. No way to express what you're feeling. No way to make it better. The strongest desire to repeat the past. Even though you can't.

      For me is was this picture that sparked that strong desire and pain inside of me. This is me and my cousin Caleb. He is exactly one year and three weeks younger than me. He had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. That's just how it worked. Any good or bad....okay any memory at all worth having he was a part of it. He knew everything there was to know about me. We did everything together. Now...now we're adults. We haven't been for very long mind you, but we live in closer proximity to each other than we ever have in our entire lives and yet we talk and see each other less. I am aware that this is partially my fault...heck I could be calling him instead of writing this blog. The point of this isn't to whine and complain, it's that we all know this feeling and everyone of you knows what I'm talking about. Exactly this feeling. Anyway, so couple this picture with the the song that was playing at the time (the video there on the side) and you can imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the bawling that ensued. Basically I am a total Peter Pan follower and I hate growing up and I don't advise it to anyone and I am a complete nostalgia junkie and on stop of that....I absolutely hate change of any kind even if it's already happened before I realize it was change....and I do not handle it well. At all. So, yeah...anyway.

     Okay, I also love the book The Great Gatsby and I recently got to see the new version of the movie and it was fantastic! Anyway...there's this part where Nick says that you're not able to repeat the past and Gatsby looks at him and says, completely serious, "Why of course you can." Here's the thing. I want to believe that. We all do. We want to believe that we can repeat the past. That we can go back to a more innocent time. In fact I convinced myself for so long that all of this wasn't happening and soon I would wake up and be in High School again...living with my parents. Same best friend. Next door to my sister. Happy. Innocent. Care free. We all tell ourselves that this is attainable. Here's the sad truth that I've been relearning as I approach a new chapter in my life. Gatsby, is very very wrong...and we all know it. Even if we deny it. We can not and we will never be able to repeat the past. No going back. No changing things. No reliving. Nothing. It's a memory and we have to live with that. This is a harsh reality and believe me when I say it smacks me in the face every single day. I hate it sometimes...but it's a part of life. So yeah...that's where I am right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm feeling. Who knows...maybe I'll get up off the couch and call Caleb and talk or set something up, I don't know. But, what I do know. Is I am not a child anymore. I am an adult...and I can't go back. No more careless days. No more parents paying my bills. No more sister next door. No more same best friend. No more innocence. This is life and I have been thrown into the thick of it.

~ Carrots

Sick is Scary, But I'm Not Alone

     For the past couple weeks I have been sick...like in and out the hospital sick. Sick as in they don't know what's wrong because the diagnoses went from the stomach flu to gallstones to possibly lymphoma to infected organs sick. To be honest, it's scary. Terrifying even. Being in constant pain and not know why. To sit lay there in the hospital higher than a kite while your "adopted" big sister holds your hand and strokes your face trying to keep you calm. While your mom is on the phone with her trying to figure out what's going on. Your best friend comes by the house and calls you and worries and her mom brings you movies and checks in just to make sure your still breathing. That kind of sick. 

     I'm used to hospitals and needles because I have food allergies and those can be intense. I'm not used to actually being sick or being in the hospital. I had my first IV. My first cat scan. My first ultra sound. I had a lot of first things. The pain killers made me so loopy is was ridiculous. The lab tech had to come tell me that Kristoff isn't real. That was embarrassing. It is scary though not knowing what's wrong with you. I mean at one point and time I was in so much pain I collapsed on my floor and just vomited everywhere...it was bad. I have follow up appointments this next week and I'm still in pain and I still have meds but I am getting better. Anyway, the point of this blog is that I am thankful.

     I have people that love me. People that aren't blood but that are my family. My parents live 5 hours away and couldn't get to me. I could have easily been dropped of at the hospital or home and left alone but I wasn't. At the hospital I always had someone by my side. They left their jobs and families to sit with me, so that I wouldn't be alone. When I was home I had someone dropping by or calling or messaging me constantly. I was never alone. I was, I am loved. I am surrounded by people that would drop everything for me. One of my biggest needs is family. One of my biggest fears is being alone. When I was sick I kept thinking I can't do this alone. I can't. I don't have to. My best friend was there. My "big sister" was there. My mentor. My best friend's mom. Those are all people that were physically there for me. My mom and my dad were constantly on the phone. My church family was constantly praying for me. People were checking in and asking about me. I was, I am loved. So, just remember. No matter what you think or what you're scared of. You are not alone. 

~ Carrots