Life Sucks, Walk In Faith

     I don't know about anyone else but for me personally life hasn't been the easiest or happiest walk in the park lately. As most of us know life, to put it rather bluntly, sucks sometimes. That's a fact. Sometimes life sucks. People hurt us, circumstances can get difficult, and life can be overwhelming and sometimes we feel stuck. We wonder why things aren't getting better, why nothing is changing, why, why, why. Sometimes one season or phase of life ends and it ends painfully and, sometimes rather reluctantly, are are forced or called to move onto something new. We have to let go of things and people and move forward in life. Letting go of things and having to move on can be difficult, confusing, and painful. When we lose something we mourn and grieve and we feel as a loss.We can feel stuck and totally unsure of what the next move is only knowing that we had better make a move soon or else. It can be hard to take that first step and move on, especially when we have no clue where we're going. However, the time of mourning for the things or people we've had cut out of our lives must come to and end. Eventually we have to get over it and move on. Then we have to exercise faith even it feels like that's the last thing we want to do. We don't know what to do next...well make a move. Sometimes we have to exercise faith before God makes a move. We have to take the first step into the deep waters of life that God is asking us to cross and as we take that step a path will become clear. God responds to people to move in faith even when it seems like God isn't around them. When we're overwhelmed and confused and scared we have to know that Christ is with us and we have to move in faith even if we can't see three feet in front of us. One time I was talking to a mentor of mine about being afraid and confused about what the next step in life was. I wanted so badly to know 100% everything that was going to happen and to have complete peace an no doubt about anything. He simply said to me when you walk in faith and do what God has asked you will always have the peace of God. However, sometimes the peace doesn't come until you're right in the thick of it. So, if you're feeling discouraged, confused, scared, or unsure about something in your life move in faith and know that God will come through.

~ Carrots

All My Harry Potter Lists

     Last night I finished reading Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows for the first time. I have now read all of the books...and let me tell you, I cried for a good 15 minutes after I finished the books. I've read tons of book series and hundreds upon hundreds of books in my lifetime, and yet no books series quite attached itself to my heart the way this one has. It physically aches me that it's over. So in order to ease the pain of finishing Harry Potter I decided to make some Harry Potter related lists. I also put a limit on 10 for each list because there are so many.

List One - Favorite Characters (In Order)

1. Fred Weasley

2. Neville Longbottom

3. Minerva McGonagall

4. Molly Weasley

5. Ginny Weasley

6. Ron Weasley

7. Arthur Weasley

8. Hermione Granger

9. George Weasley

10. Luna Lovegood

List Number Two - Brave Men (other than Snape) Harry could have named his son after.

I'm making this list because even when all was said and done maybe I felt more sympathy for Snape or whatever...but I still didn't like him, and there were so many other brave men in Harry's life, braver than Snape, that he could have named Albus Severous after.

1. Fred Weasley

2. Remus Lupin

3. Hagrid (I mean THIS MAN!)

4. Neville Longbottom

5. Frank Longbottom (maybe he didn't actually know him but still)

6. Arthur

7. Dobby...he could have a child named Dobby!

8. Cedric Diggory!

9. Colin Creevey

10. Madeye

I was going to make a list called People That Could Have Died Instead of Fred but I decided againts it for fear. Seriously though,,,,WHY FRED?!?! Okay I hope you enjoyed it a little but and maybe I'll get over my pain eventually.

20 Minutes With Thurman

    A couple weeks ago I had the honor of meeting a man named Thurman, he and his wife came into the store where I work and while his wife shopped Thurman sat on a bench in an entry way. They walked in and his wife asked if there was a place that he could sit and then she went on to explain that he has alzheimers and he wouldn't be able to go up and down the stairs, and that it would be easier on him if he could sit somewhere and wait. We agreed and before she went downstairs she told us her name and his and to come get her if he got too anxious.
     He was fine for a while and then he started getting anxious and got up and went to look for his wife and my co-worker talked to him and got him to calm down and sit and he was fine. A few minutes same thing. After the third time he was getting very anxious so my co-worker went to tell his wife and I just decided to go sit with him. I've never been around someone going through that so I honestly didn't know if my presence would help or if it would make him more nervous. I grabbed a couple Missouri Conservationist off of our magazine rack and sat down next to him. He was really excited that I knew his name, and he introduced himself to me and I to him and then we looked through one of the magazines together. He told me about how much he loves fishing and how he's always wanted to go quail hunting.
     A few minutes into our conversation he literally blinked once, looked at me and went, "Hi, I'm Thurman...do I know you? Have we met?" I told him we had just met and we were new friends and told him my name, he relaxed and started looking at the magazine and he told me the same stories. This time he told me he was born in 1925, and he wasn't sure how old that made him but he was pretty sure he was 35. A few minutes went passed and soon we had to do introductions again. At this point I started to tear up because I couldn't even begin to imagine what this was like for him or his family. How awful this must be for everyone who loved him. It broke my heart to have to imagine having to go through this. Gently, Thurman reached over and took my hand.
      "Don't cry, I don't like seeing people cry, there's no sense in it. There's so much badness in the world but you can't let it steal your joy. I would never do anything to make anyone feel bad. I believe in working hard, believing in each other, love, and kindness. We must always be kind to those around us, always care for everyone. We can't hurt each other, we need each other too much."
      About that moment his wife walked by and waved at us on her way to the register. Thurman lit up, "Do you see her? She's mine...isn't she beautiful?" I nodded and told her of course she is. His eyes softened and he held my hand tighter, "she's the kindest woman I've ever known. I just couldn't stand being with a woman who was unkind or cantankerous, nope couldn't handle that. But her, she's so kind and gentle. She'd do anything for anybody, give you the clothes off her back, she's just like that. She's an incredible woman that one is."
     After that we just sat silent, hand in hand, waiting for his wife to come through the check out. She did and when she came out she thanked me for sitting with her husband, but really I was the one who should have been thanking her. As he got up to go he turned around to shake my hand, "It was nice meeting you young lady, maybe I'll see you again real soon." If I ever do see Thurman again he won't remember me, he won't know he ever sat with me on a bench inside of a store. I however, will never forget Thurman. Even in the midst of all he was going through he didn't forget the important things. He didn't forget who he was, and he didn't forget to pass on his wisdom. Thurman is right we have to believe in hard work, each other, love, and kindness because there is so much darkness in the world. We have to remember that we need each other and not to let the world steal our joy.

~ Carrots 

Thailand

     It has been so long since I posted something and so much has happened and changed. I'm going to be an aunt (again!), I got some incredible news today...but I have to keep it under wraps for a couple weeks, some of my very close friends are getting married soon and I get to be part of their special day, and I applied for a seven month internship to Thailand...yep seven whole months in another country. I haven't officially been accepted yet, so I haven't started fundraising yet, but I know I'm going. This is something God has asked me to do and I am totally pumped...and totally terrified. I put off applying for a long time because I was scared. Scared of what exactly? Leaving the country, being away from my friends and family, being replaces by my friends and family while I'm gone, death...yes, death. Open your ears to what's going on around the world right now, death is something reasonable to be afraid of. I put it off and put it off and while expressing all of my fears and concerns to my incredible best friend she affirmed me until I asked, "but what if I die?" She looked straight at me and said, "what if you do? Would you rather live miserable outside the will of God, or die inside the will of God doing what you're passionate about?"
     I had to stop and think and really pray about that question. I mean in this internship I get to go to Thailand and work with Sex Trafficking victims and do what I love and what I'm called to do. Haven't I said before that I would give my life to help these people and to be able to pursue my dream? I've said it but did I really mean it?
     Now, I'm not saying I think I'm going to Thailand because I don't really, but would I be willing to go if there was a 100% chance I would die. That was the question I had to ask myself, that's something  I had to deal with and pray about. How far am I willing to go when it comes to serving the Lord. It's a question we all have to ask ourselves. After a lot of prayer and sleepless nights I applied. I signed up said I wanted to go. As soon as I did...peace. The fear I had been wrestling with, GONE. The doubt, gone. Anxiety, gone. All of it was gone. By being inside the will of God I had peace that extended beyond the list of bad things that could happen to me. It's a peace that extends beyond death.
     I'm still nervous, but I'm not scared anymore because I know I'm preparing to do what God has called me to do. I'm not scared because I know that no matter what happens to me while I'm there it will be worth it. It will be worth it all.
    

P.S. Expect lots of updates as I begin fundraising for this incredible journey! I leave Fall 2016 and it's going to be amazing.

being productive while procrastinating

It has been ages since I have last written anything. Not because I haven't thought of anything good. More or less because I have not had time. If you look at my rough drafts I have written quite a few just none good enough to get published. Then as I was sitting here supposedly folding laundry I decided to take a break and tell you a bit about what I have been going through in the last few month.

These last few months have been a whirlwind of chaos and emotion. After a series of unfortunate events I lost one of my best friends. We were just to the point we cared about different things and couldn't have made it work. He was really one of the few people in my life who knew everything. I went from that heart break to having a couple of the really close family members move away. After that heart break I found it hard to write about the good things when I wasn't feeling it.  In that moment of feeling down I decided what I needed was a relationship. When really the last thing I needed at that moment was a relationship. I needed God. When feeling alone and looking for a relationship I went to the place everyone who feels alone goes to look for a relationship. Online. That in itself should have been a warning flag to me. But it wasn't I talked to some really nice guys and some really sketchy ones. I ended up settling on one guy I felt I could talk to and may even have a possibility of a relationship with. He seemed nice, was a bit older and had a pretty good job. Sadly though he did not love Jesus (that should have been another red flag). But I went along with it because I felt alone. We kept seeing each other and kept moving forward in our relationship. He said we would move as slowly as I wanted and that seemed awesome to me. But even though he kept saying we would move as slowly as I wanted, he would keep pressuring me to do more. Soon I had laid all my morals aside and we started getting pretty physical. No we didn't sleep together but we did do quite a bit of other things.

Still sadly I felt alone if not a bit more so. At that point I had drawn away from my Christian friends and those around me that I generally go to because I felt like I was living in such a way that they would not have approve of who I had become. In that place I found God. I was in Missouri visiting my family and friends. Away from the loneliness in my head and in front of King of Kings. In that moment I realized that I am truly not alone no matter how it feels God is there. In the calm after your world has crashed God is there. God is there when you feel worthless or alone. God is there when you don't think you can go on any longer. He is in it all. It was an awe inspiring moment. Had you been there you probably would not have even noticed but it meant the world to me.

Then of course after the moment of awe inspiring filling of God there is always a moment of clarity on your life. Or at least that generally seems how it is in my world. In that moment I realized how much I had bent and broken for a guy I barley knew. I guy I didn't even have strong feelings for, and that is when the shame set in. But again God was there in that moment bringing to my realization his awesome love and grace. Yes there were things I had done in that dark place that I shouldn't have but that doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am nothing more than a  human but God still loves me for that. And in that moment all that mattered to me was the love of God and how Great he is. That totally pulled me back to my calling which is another story for another day.

In the last weeks and a bit since that happened I have down a lot of changing in my life to recenter it around God. I broke up with lame boy and have used that time to start reading and studying my Bible again. I have also made an effort to continue Christian relationships in my life. I know there is a long way to go before I complete my calling in life and while I am working toward that calling I am going to stumble and of course I am going to have days where I feel completely alone. But those are the moments I need to follow Jesus to the cross and go to him.

But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah may rest (yes, my pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!! -2 Corinthians 12:9

Crowhead

Here's This

I haven't written in forever and I honestly don't have much now....you just need this in your life. Enjoy!

I'm Worn

     So it's Human Trafficking Awareness month and that's what this blog was supposed to be about but...it's not. Sorry, but I will do one...eventually. Okay so STORY TIME, I was supposed to start school next week, and I was really excited. Ecstatic to go. Then everything fell through, first my financial aid didn't cover all of my classes and my van died. The school is about 45 minutes away so it's not like I can just get a ride, I have to have a car in order to get to school. No car and no school. That sucks. Then in the midst of all of this I'm losing my job and it's all very frustrating because I also need a car to get a new job. Needless to say I'm not the happiest of people. I'm stressed and frustrated because I thought I was supposed to go to school, and I have to have a job, and I need a car but I don't have the money for one. I have plans for my future and I need to go to school and it's all very frustrating and trying on one's faith. I've spent a lot of time talking to God asking why, why would you ask me to do something if you knew it wasn't going to work? Why would you put these desires in my heart if they aren't going to be fulfilled? How am I going to get a new job? How am I going to pay bills if I don't have a job? How am I going to get to work? How will I get anywhere? God what is going on? Why is everything falling apart? I know you're probably thinking, chill your life isn't falling apart. But, it feels like it some days. One day my roommate sent me this passage.

 

Psalm 37:3-7 (AMP)

"Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass. And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday. Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass."

 

     That my friends is an incredible verse and so I've done my best to read and meditate on this verse and apply it to my life. I started applying for tons of jobs and I had a couple interviews and none of them seemed right and I knew I should say no to them and I did and I was confused because very soon, I'll be jobless. Then out of nowhere I got a call and was offered my dream job and I jumped I said yes and I was beyond happy to say yes. I was blessed and it all started to make sense. I was given this opportunity for experience and learning and it was okay that school hadn't worked out, I could go later. Experience is often a better teacher than text books and I would be getting to do what I love and get paid to do it. It was a dream come true. That was yesterday...this morning I was listening to worship music as I made breakfast and went about my day and I started singing the lyrics, "If I let these dreams die will I find you brought me back to life. So empty my hands fill up my heart capture my mind with you." These lyrics came to be God was obviously speaking to me about school. I mean I let one dream die and God had replaced it with another. Not so, friends, not so. After I got to work today I learned that because of the situation with my vehicle and the fact that this offered position could possibly require me to have to travel at a moments notice and at inconvenient hours I was no longer eligible for the position. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I had literally called everyone I knew and told them about this job, and I was excited. I could stop the job search, I had security and would literally go zero time without a job. Now, I'm back in limbo and my last day where I currently am is in two days. I haven't cried yet but as soon as I'm alone I surely will. I'm scared, and devastated, and yes I'm sitting here in this office kind of confused by and upset with God. He's my father he's supposed to help me and nothing seems to be working out the way it should. Although, even as I sit here fighting tears and very fed up with life God has given me scriptures and songs and is speaking to me about how he's my stability. The song he gave me this morning during worship wasn't about what had happened, it was about what was going to and now is happening. He brought this scripture back to my mind and now it's time to trust and pray and seek and believe. This blog really is just me saying hey....does life honestly kind of suck? Yes, and I get it but I promise you that God is still here with us. Am I happy with the circumstances? No. Am I scared? Yes. Am I honestly frustrated even with God? Yes. BUT, I have faith that he will provide because he loves me and he will always provide for my needs. Life doesn't always make sense but God always stands firm and that's all that I need. It's when I lose sight of God that the circumstances begin to overwhelm  me and I will not let that happen. Because, Jesus Christ is bigger than my storm.

 

This video isn't the one that contains the lyrics I posted, but it is the one that describes how I feel. Not only that but it also says that while I feel this way, I know that God is still in control and still on my side.

~ Carrots