Ron Weasley Is My Security Blanket

            I hate breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc.) for two reasons…or rather I hate two things about breaks. I hate leaving for break and I hate coming back break. I hate leaving for break because I hate saying goodbye. I don’t like leaving people behind…I spend every single day with these people. They are a part of my life. We work, eat, play, and grow together. Sometimes, I think I’m too attached to people because I barely know how to function without them. So, I hate leaving for break because I don’t like leaving people…I cried at the airport dropping people off. I cried hugging people goodbye at church. Heck, I even cried when I didn’t get to tell someone I don’t even like goodbye. Even if I don’t like you I’ll miss you because I don’t remember how to do life without you. Then inevitably I spend the first 2-3 days of break lamenting my loneliness and feeling empty and alone.

            Then I start loving being on break. Having no responsibilities, not having to worry about other people’s problems, not being in charge of anything; just being at home with the people I love the most and enjoying spending time with them. I’m very close to my family and I love doing things like daddy-daughter dates to Quick Trip, having tea parties with my sister, and helping my mom with unruly school kids. I enjoy family dinners, playing with my animals, reading books, and watching movies. I enjoy being part of a family again. I miss it. I miss being with my parents and sister, I miss them so much it hurts sometimes. I miss being a big sister. Sometimes distance and responsibilities at HAO make me feel like I’m not being the best big sister ever. I miss my little sis. Yet during break I was able to give her my complete undivided attention and attend the first Orchestra concert of hers that I’ve been to in almost 3 years! She is fabulous. I just loved being home. It was great and I suddenly didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay home with my family and friends. I wanted to be normal and just got to school or whatever. I even asked my best friend from back in Missouri if she would pack up my room for me…she told me no. I told her I didn’t want to come back because I was scared and nervous. I was homesick and all kinds of things. Then I told her that I would come back unless she got me Ron Weasley because if I had Ron everything would be okay and I could handle all of the stress.

            Needless to say I went back. It was what I was supposed to do, but that didn’t make it easy. I missed my parents and sister. I missed home…plus this time saying goodbye to Kansas was real. This time I knew I would never be coming back for more than occasional visits and that’s a tough place to be in. I got back to my house and loaded everything in. Mumbled hello to my housemates that had returned before and went to my room. I turned on my light and found that my room was completely covered in pictures of Ron Weasley. COVERED! I counted around over 20 (so obviously not all of them are shown here). I just started laughing and suddenly I was okay with being back. The fact that I have friends that love and care about enough to spend time cutting out and taping up pictures of Ron all over my room/bathroom just to make feel better made me realize how lucky I am. So what if it’s difficult, stressful, or away from my family. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s where I want to be. Ron Weasley is my security blanket because it took me a bunch of tiny Rons all over my room to make feel like I was home. Where I belong. As to what it means about my feelings toward Ron Weasley…maybe just a bit obsessed but who cares. I have the best friends in the world and thanks to them I have the best room too.

~ Carrots

Together but apart

Crowhead here and I am a jerk. Carrots so eloquently wrote about our friendship and even brought me to tears as she talked about it. While sadly I couldn't say anything as beautiful about our friendship. Not because I don't value our friendship but because I am truly speechless when it comes to our friendship. 

When I think if Carrots and my friendship I think of a James 5:16 friendship. James 5:16 in the Amplified says this: Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working]. 

If that doesn't describe our friendship I don't know what would. I can and have told Carrots so many things about my life but she never belittles me or makes fun of me she prays and encourages me. When the verse says confess I mean confess. Not just lightly push around the subject and not specify details. I mean confess it all. The good, the bad, and the shameful.  Once those things are in the open between you it gives both of you the opportunity to be accountable. Her being held accountable to keep me in prayer. Me accountable to having someone to talk to about the hard things that I am going through.  In exchange when she is going through something she knows she can come to me as well. 

I touched on this slightly but the second half of James 5:16 talks about praying for one another. Which is huge when it comes to the close bosom friend relationship that we have. If you know the  trials of someone else's life shouldn't you be praying for them? Not only should you be the others biggest supporter but also one of their biggest spiritual coverings. 

I don't know how I could have lived the last year of my life without Carrots. And I can't wait to see where we will go and serve God together. Seperate we are strong, but together we can do many mighty things for the good of the kingdom! 

"A bosom friend--an intimate friend, you know--a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life. I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will too. Do you think it's possible?' -Anne of Green Gables

Carrots and Crowhead Together Again and Other Aspects of Our Friendship

     “We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.

Even longer,' Pooh answered.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

     As life goes on we grow up and as we grow up we change and as we change so does everyone and everything else. With change comes this amazing ability for people to move away and move on. Also with change comes this incredible ability to find friendships and relationships that defy moving away and moving on because they're stronger than growing up...they're stronger than life. I feel like I legitimately have 2 maybe 3 of these friendships. The kind where you just kind of pick up where you left off and it's like you never went a day without seeing each other. Without being part of our everyday life they still know everything about you and they are still your other half. (Well maybe not other half...but they are a part of you.) One of these is my lovely Crowhead :)

     This weekend Kate came all the way to Missouri from Canada!!! I was so stinking excited and happy to see her. When she got in I was still asleep and she just came in a laid down on top of my in an attempt to wake me up. I just rolled over, rolled back over and hugged her, sleepily told her about the dream I had just had, then I rolled over and went back to sleep for a whole 5 minutes. We then got to spend all Saturday together running around town with one of our other close friends, hanging out at the house watching movies, and then going to a Saturday night youth service that I work at. It was so much fun and it was just like nothing had every changed...like we weren't in different countries. We had one or two serious conversations, we talked about music, guys, movies, and the everyday going on in our lives. We relived memories and inside jokes and just enjoyed the time we had to be Carrots and Crowhead (we also agreed to get tattoos together.) Sunday we went to church/HAO January class' graduation and then went to my church's Ugly Sweater Christmas party and had an absolute blast! She met my "new" friends and I got to hear all kinds of stories about hers. Being Best Friends doesn't mean that we won't have other people that we become close to or that we'll share our secrets and dreams with...being best friends means that at the end of the day we will always be friends, that she's the person I'm closest to no matter the physical distance, it means that she will always be one step ahead of all of my other friends when it comes to knowing everything about me, and it means that even when we go months without seeing each other it'll be like we were always together.

     Sunday night I had to tell Kate goodbye because she was going to head back to Canada in a couple days and I was heading to Kansas for Christmas break early the next morning. I cried...I cried a lot. I cried telling her goodbye and I cried after she left. I cried because she is my best friend and I miss her. I miss her like crazy.  Canada is far away and who knows when the next time Carrots and Crowhead will be together again will be. I cried because when you have a best friend that you don't live near when you are together you realize that a small part of you was missing while you were apart and when you get to see each other that part comes back. God designed best friends because we aren't meant to go through life alone and when you have a best friend you and that person become part of each other in some ways. So, I cried because even though I know we will keep on going on being best friends it still hurts to be separated from my chosen sister so much.
     As Winnie-the-Pooh says, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, and I am. I am so thankful for Kate because she's amazing. She knows things about me that literally no other human being on the planet knows about me. She knows my deepest darkest secrets, all of my obsessions, my likes, and dislikes. She knows all of my quirks and what to do when I'm sick or having an allergic reaction. She is my very best friend and to be completely 100% honest she is the best friend anyone could have and I am so thankful for her. I don't know what I would do without her and I'm glad I have her. I love you Crowhead!  

~ Carrots

“Kindred spirits alone do not change with the changing years.” 

― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island

Why I Want To Be Anne Shirley

     "If you could be any fictional character who would you be and why?" Just one of the many questions written down on the many index cards in a pile on my living room floor. My housemates and I have spent many hours playing The Question Game because we're nerds that love ice breakers and love talking about ourselves. This is the question I have been waiting for. Anything about books or fictional character I've got in the bag. So why am I suddenly staring at this question like a deer in the headlights? This should be easy say a name and give a reason. But I think...no this is important. This is me telling everyone who I wish I was. Who I want to be. Who I dream about becoming. This defines me. I think of every girl, teenager, and even woman that I have heard answer this question with things like, "I want to be Bella Swan." All I can think when people say that is why? Why would you want to be Bella Swan? Or girls that want to be Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White. What makes you want to be them? Is it because of the guys they get? Their beauty? The "happily ever after"? What is it that makes being them so appealing? Don't get me wrong I love Disney Princess movies...my personal favorites are Tangled and Mulan but come on. Snow White ran away and lived with men she didn't know and then fell into a trap rendering her helpless until a man she didn't know kissed her. Exact same scenario with Sleeping Beauty minus the men, instead she lives with magical grandmothers. Cinderella, I love watching Cinderella....Cinderella 3 is actually pretty speculator. But, I have never wanted to be her. She marries a guy that didn't even recognize her until she had on a certain article of clothing. So I thought who would I want to be a why? Hermione Granger would be a good choice...but no that's a little too far fetched, plus I mean I've been a fan of Harry Potter for exactly 3 months. Mulan? I mean come on she saved an entire country, but I would really rather not be a Disney Princess. I want it to be someone I've read about, watched, and admired since childhood. Someone realistic. Someone real...as real as a fictional character can be. Someone who when I have daughters of my own I'll feel comfortable handing them her books and movies and saying here...when you play make believe, believe you are her. I pray my daughters never wish to become Bella Swan. So I thought, and as you can probably guess, I would be Anne Shirley.

     Anne Shirley is as real as any fictional character can be. She has flaws, oh does she have flaws. She has family problems (she doesn't have a family until Matthew and Marilla). She deals with insecurities about her appearance. All she wants is to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and taken care of. She's a dreamer. She's misunderstood...she is essentially a real emotional girl. She finds a family and they love her for her and through their love she comes to understand her value and worth. She is physically a beautiful woman and after she struggles with her red hair she learns to accept it as part of what makes her beautiful. Plus I love gingers and kind of want to be a ginger to the red hair for me would be bonus points of being Anne Shirley. She is so incredibly smart. She is smart and she doesn't hide it or play dumb. She excels at school, does her very best, gets an education, and uses that education to better herself and help other people. She is bold. Anne Shirley is never timid about what she believes or wants...and yes she should learn some tact but at least she doesn't let people walk all over her. She is strong so strong! She overcomes, adjusts, heals, and is restored always coming to the other side of a trail as victorious and not a victim! If we're going to venture away from the books and strictly into the movies she traveled the freaking globe in order to find and save her husband. Woman kicked some butt! Look at the books, she is still just as amazing and strong even without plowing through war torn lands.
     She doesn't need a man. Granted she end up with the perfect  man aka Gilbert Blythe and everything in me ached for her to end up with him sooner than she did, she still didn't spend every waking minute of her life fawning over him, (like I do, ha-ha.) Do I wish she would have spent a little more time fawning over him and less time holding a grudge over being called Carrots? Yes, yes I do. Besides, we all know Gil is another reason why I would want to be Anne. But, between breaking his heart, him breaking her heart, them becoming friends, dating other people, being single, becoming best friends, falling in love, and accept the falling in love she lived her life. She did not determine her life based upon Gil and what he was doing. Even when she was hurting over him she lived. She went to school got a job, and touched the lives of those around her. She took care of Marilla, and even bettered herself for marriage. Then yes she does marry a man and falls helplessly in love and that is NOT a bad thing it's an amazing thing...but she did it at the right time and she never needed him to determine her worth. She was confident in who she was as an individual and that's what we need before we need a man.

     She also had a great best friend. They were so different but they loved and cared about each other. Every girl needs a bosom friend that will be there no matter what and she had that! They weren't catty or gossipy or got jealous. They were friends. They recognized strength and weaknesses and instead of shaming or bragging the helped, encouraged, and strengthened. That's how friendship is supposed to work! Sure they had their problems  but they got through it. They did things too! More than just sit around and talk about boys. They went on adventures, they read books, and wrote...oh my goodness Anne and Dianna are the epitome of the friendship that I want to have and want my daughters to have too. They valued each other and didn't throw one another under the bus.

     Things I want to do that Anne does or that I admire. Reasons I want to be here (basically a repeat with different words.) She is book smart and street smart, she is bold, she's a published author (my dream!), she's beautiful, she's strong, she's passionate, she's independent, she knows how to have a great friendship, she's an amazing mother, she gets Gilbert Blythe I mean hello, she takes care of her family, she has her head on straight, she's a ginger, her vocabulary is extensive and impressive, amazing imagination, she chases her dreams, she makes things happen, she loves deeply, she is loved deeply, she leaves an impression on everyone she meets, people don't forget her, she is mesmerizing, and she stands her ground. She is who I've wanted to be since I was a little girl.
     When I have daughters I will hand them books because I want them to read. I want them to fall in love with books, characters, and go on adventures just as I have. However, I will be selective in their reading. I don't want to raise daughters that think Bella Swan is a role model. Or daughters that just sit around accomplishing nothing while they wait for their "prince to come". I don't want them to attract the Edward Cullens, Christian Greys, and Prince Charmings of the world. I want my daughters to imagine themselves being strong and courageous. I want to raise daughters that go outside and pretend to be Hermione Granger, Cassie Logan, and Anne Shirley. I want them to attract the Ron Weasleys, Gilbert Blythes, and Moes of the world. I want to be Anne Shirley, Hermione, or Cassie. I want to be Mulan. I say this because what we read and see shapes our very being. The first fictional character we fall in love with we will always be in love with. The first heroine we read about is who we will try to become. I don't know about you but I want to be strong, brave, confident, and a world changer. So if I would be any fictional character...I would be Anne Shirley and that's why. Want to know a secret? I am.

~ Carrots

“Oh, it's delightful to have ambitions. I'm so glad I have such a lot. And there never seems to be any end to them-- that's the best of it. Just as soon as you attain to one ambition you see another one glittering higher up still. It does make life so interesting.” 
― L.M. Monstgomery, Anne Of Green Gables

Same same but different

Three weeks ago I went to get my belly button pierced. The place was very nice and with the coupon I had it was very reasonably priced. I went laid down on the bed she put a clamp on my belly. After a few moments she shoved a hollow needle through it and eventually changed the needle out for a ring. It didn't phase me at all. I had some problems later but that is a story for a different day. 

The next week I went to get some blood tests (not bad just routine for a new doctor). It was a nice place but very hospitally (again very normal for a hospital). The girls were nice. I waited my turn and sat down in the chair where they  were going to take the blood. I sat down and watched the girl across from me get like six tubes of blood taken. Thinking since it didn't phase her I should be fine. Man was I wrong. I held still and waited for her to put my needle in my arm. She found the vein with one stab (which is kid of miraculous in itself). She took two tubes of blood and was done. She started taking the needle out when it happened. The world started to go black and then I passed out. Not just out but like out for a full minute, waking up not knowing where I was or what was going on. Waking up I tried to play it cool and make a stupid comment about passing out. Then I promptly passed out again just as long as the time before. They then made me sit for quite a while and drink a sickly amount of orange juice. 

The point of telling the two stories is this. Sometimes two things that can seem so similar. A bigger needle shoved all the way through the skin and something put in and left in no big deal while a smaller needle joked just into the side of my arm causes complete shut down of whole body. 

Things in theory that are very similar but in reality very different. Same as the concept of underwear and swim suits. I find our culture and Christianity's view of love very much the same way. On the outside it looks very much the same but deep down our reaction to both are very different. 

Our culture tells us that love is fulfilling ourselves through the use of other people and when we are done we can throw them away. It is based on your feelings and emotions while those of the other person are not considered. We see it all the time broken marriages and relationships because one or the other doesn't feel it anymore. 

Christianity tells us love is fulfilling the other through our actions. Building them up. Doing this does not only build the other up it builds you together as a couple. 

What our culture says is love is really lust. Living off their emotions and pleasure. How often does our world say "if it's love you'll have sex" or "you will let the other degrade your core values". How can that be healthy and currently because of this mindset we have younger and younger people getting pregnant and doing things they are not ready for because they feel alone and they think that relationship will fill that void. Not from personal experience but based on the experiences of my friends and peers I can say a majority of the time it may fill that void for a short period of time but as soon as that relationship is over it leaves an emptiness even larger than the one they started with.

Again a Christian relationship that is being pursued for the right reasons is the opposite. Christianity tells us "what can I do to build this person up" or "how can we better peruse Christ through this relationship?" Growing together in The Lord not just as a couple. It is never just the two of you God is always there in the midst of your relationship. 

So all in all be warned about love. When talking to someone you may think something while they mean something completely different. 

1 Peter 4:8 
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)

The Grocery Store

     There are moments in life that stick with you, that make an impression, moments that come back to your mind years later with a strong sense of emotion and nostalgia. Moments that come back and say hey this is important. Sometimes they feel like happened yesterday and the memory is real. Sometimes they're reminders of where we were and where we plan on never going again. And, sometimes, as in this case, they're something that someone had once said to you that you had completely forgotten about. Only to remember over a year later and realize how important those words were to you.
     I worked a grocery store for 8 months before I started my undergrad year (I'm a second year now) at Honor Academy of The Ozarks. I worked to save up money for HAO (because we can't have jobs during our first year, as second years we can have jobs if we could find anyone that would hire us) and we have to pay tuition and buy our own food. So, I was being smart and saving up. Good job Kaitlin! Anyway, so I got this job at the store as a cashier. For the most part I liked it. I got along with the people I worked with, it was pretty easy, but I mean I was a cashier so it's not like I was super in love with it. It was a great first job to have. Plus, I had to work with the general public. For the most part I liked it. You have your super happy people, the polite people, the people that just want to get through the line, people that don't speak English, people with WIC checks that pretend like they don't speak English, stoners, guys that hit on you, complete jerks, and then the regulars. Let me tell you, employees love the regulars. There are people that come to the store a lot and then there are the regulars. The regulars are people that know your name and you know theirs, they come to the store everyday sometimes a few times a day, you know what they're buying before they even get through the doors. They aren't always nice, we had one regular that as soon as he walked in it was almost a race to see who could get to a bathroom break first. Yet, at the same time it was nice to see him come in because despite whatever it was he belonged there as much as we did. They all did.
     We had one guy, a regular, and he always came in looking upset. He never smiled, never said hi, nothing. Occasionally he would talk to one of the floor managers and that was it. For whatever reason I decided that I was going to make him smile and say hi to me. I was going to make this man be happy. So, every time he would come into the store I would wave and shout, no matter who was in my line, hey there favorite customer it's great to see you! For the first little while he always looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't stop doing it. Then one day he came through my line. Didn't smile, didn't say anything, he just came through my line. After that he came through my line every single time he came to the store and I was working. Well I chatted him up every time. Always called him my favorite customer, asked him about his day, told him that I was having a great day, and always ended by telling him that seeing him is what made my day. One day it was like a flip switched. He came through my line smiling and he talked to me a little bit. I was so happy, then as he was walking off he turned around came back to my register and said, "Thank you." That was it. Just thank you.
     After that things changed. He would come through my line laughing and talking, we would joke around. One time I had a ridiculously long line and he went to stand at a different register and I remember jokingly calling, "Where do you think you are going? Get over here and stand in my line. He did, he stood in my line for twenty minutes. I was amazed at the change I had seen in one customer just because I decided I was going to make him smile. It was incredible. I was so humbled at the fact that God allowed me to be used to reach this man in even the tiniest way. Then to humble me even more God used this man to speak to me.
     About three weeks before I was supposed to move out and start HAO I become utterly terrified and decided I wasn't going. It was to far from home, it was too hard, I didn't know anyone, and I was not going to go. I had turned in my two weeks notice and all of the regulars and employees knew I was leaving. I made my favorite customer promise to come in on my last day and say goodbye to me. About ten minutes before I my shift was over he came in and didn't even buy anything just stood in my line.
     He looked at me and said, "I'm going to miss you but I'm proud of you. You're going to go on and get an education and do great things. Don't give up. It's a good thing what you're getting ready to go do. Don't be scared. Fear has no place where you're going. I'll miss you, but I know this is best. Go on and make us all proud. I know you're going to make me proud."
     After he left our floor manager looked and me and said, "wow, he's never talked to anyone before. We're going to miss you around here."
     Since leaving I still think about him and all the other regulars and employees and I miss them. I miss all of them. Most of all I miss the quiet old man that never spoke. The customer that I worked on and worked on just to get him to smile. I miss him because in the end it wasn't me helping him, it was him telling me exactly what I needed to hear. Giving me the courage to move on and go where God called me to go. So, the moral of this story is smile at someone, it might change your life.

~Carrots

Texas and Idealism

     I love Texas, or rather the idea of Texas. I am very idealistic, in theory. My thought life, or rather daydreams, seem to reflect the ideal life. Where everyone is just, things are always fair, the good guy always wins, and everything ends in a happily ever after kiss. I often feel that my daydreams are the epitome of Jimmy Stewart's character, Jefferson Smith, in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. I believe and hope for the best. Yet, often times I feel like the words that come out of my mouth may not reflect the purest, untainted version of any original thought I may have had. Somehow between my brain and my mouth life, age, cynicism, and the world seem to stain my words. I'm one of those people. You know what I'm talking about. One of those people that doesn't associate with any political party because I don't like any of them. One of those people that is convinced that every man I pass on the street is a rapist (then again that could be a girl thing). One of those people that think society's morals and ethics are being sucked into a black hole never to be seen again. One of those people that as much as I talk, I am completely and utterly terrified that good will never truly win in the world and evil will triumph and I'm going to be tortured to death for my beliefs. Yep...one of those people. Yet, when I visit Texas I suddenly feel peace. In my mind Texas is the one place where there is justice and right and truth prevail. I know, I know....I've lost you know. Let me explain.
     In my mind Texas is the place where Justice prevails every time, people work hard for what they have, everyone's honest, and the good guy still rides in a saves the day. Texas is still old fashioned in my mind. Full of farmers, cowboys, and Chuck Norris. If you hurt a kid or kill someone there is no insanity pleads or allowances. You kill someone and you're killed...never to kill again. If you want something you work for it and if you have something it's because you worked for it. Everyone has a fair chance it's just up to you to take it. Plus, Chuck Norris. I mean seriously if Chuck Norris is in a place it's a safe place. In my mind Texas is full of God fearing people and morals and ethics aren't corrupt. Biblical standards are upheld and life is good and sweet. Now, I only visit Texas a couple of times a year and I always go to the Honor Academy campus. So, I don't see a whole lot of Texas and I don't know very many people that are Texas born and breed. For all I know the rest of Texas could be horrible.
     The reason I share this is because I recently went to Texas and and going back in a couple weeks and the as soon as I crossed the state line I felt peace and nostalgia for something I have never known. A perfect world. Whether it be Texas or not I think everyone has a place that for them represents idealism and a hypothetically perfect world. That is perfectly okay. If it can take the edge off of daily cynicism to pretend that there's a place within reach that is ideal then go for it. Just remember the earth is temporary and there will never be perfection until we reach Heaven. But, while I'm here I'll keep dreaming to Texas.

~ Carrots